Well, it’s my birthday today. 42 years old! I was so hoping for some amazing news on my birthday but sadly not to be.

I haven’t written this time for a few reasons but 2 weeks ago I had a frozen embryo transfer with my 2nd and last embryo. Anyone who has been on the two week wait will tell you, it is the longest two weeks of your life… it even feels longer than the current 8 week term!

I was back on injections, then injections and tablets then tablets and pessaries. Honestly, IVF is so glamorous! Friday finally came, test day. And a work day! 5am came round and I was lying in bed awake. I had been waiting two weeks and just like last time, I couldn’t bring myself to do the test. But unlike last time, I had a sick , negative feeling. 5:30, with her ladyship asleep next to me , I finally got out of bed. And my biggest fear happened. Just 1 line. I did a second test just to be sure. Nothing.

I actually can’t describe the feeling of looking at those tests and knowing it’s over. It’s grief. It’s not like after the negative tests with IUI because this was actually a fertilised embryo… half the process had been done. It’s a loss. And it hurts like a loss.

I was worried about going into work but actually it helped. I have an amazing job with an amazing team and amazing children. They didn’t realise it butbthey really helped. And of course, I have an amazing young lady who puts a smile on my face. She got me through a bereavement earlier on in the year and now she is getting me through this one.

My family is not complete and I am.not giving up just yet. Although, watching her destroy my living room right now, I do wonder how much destruction would be done with two!!! 🙈

So, not the birthday I was hoping for but I get to spend it with a funny, silly, beautiful 2 year old. Thank you baby girl!