Not my best day

Having not received my blood results by Friday I knew treatment this month was out. Gutting but just meant back to the original plan of December. Then, I got my test result.

Amazing how one small number can be so devastating. I need my TSH level to be 2.5, I have spent the last week picturing that number in my head. My phone call this morning told me that my TSH level is 5.8. That’s not even near 2.5.

6.3 to 5.8. I needed it to drop by 3.8, it dropped by 0.5. I booked a phone appointment for the GP this afternoon, put the phone down and cried. Then I went and bought the biggest chocolate Croissant the shop had. Then I came home and gave my cats a massive cuddle… they were ok with this to start with then decided it had gone on too long and really they just wanted to be outside!

Now, I have pulled myself together and I am trying to accept that December is unlikely to happen. In fact at this point I have decided not to set a goal. I am just going to focus on my thyroid doing the job it is meant to do.

To say this year had been shit would be an understatement!!! My family needs a boost, we need something positive. I really thought I could give that to them. It’s weird how I almost feel like I’m letting people down!

Please don’t get me wrong! I am not sinking into a deep depression! I have been there and this is nothing like that! I promise! I am just sad. I know I have said it before but when you get to this age the whole “clock is ticking” thing starts to feel VERY real. And therefore every month that passes is another loss.

My family lost someone very special last week. Someone, quite frankly, inspirational. I think part of me thought that if I could just give them a glimmer of something it would help with the pain. Not that I have told the majority of them about this. But I considered it. For the first time in a year I seriously considered telling the whole family.

But not now. Now I will wait. The reason I started this blog was to get my emotions out. I am an extremely emotional person! I have been known to cry at adverts! Putting it down in words is a way of helping me work out my feelings and emotions. So, today, writing this, I know I am grieving. Mostly for my amazing cousin but also for the baby that won’t be. BUT! I know it is another hurdle that I will cross, it might take a few attempts (and to be fair I was rubbish at hurdles in school!) but I will do it. I have amazing family and friends (even ones who have no idea) who are incredible at reminding me how lucky I am to have what I have and who support me and will continue to support me.

So, maybe not December, maybe not even January but it will happen. I just have to keep going and keep going until I get my dream. Until then I have a classroom of little people to keep me on my toes and a fair amount of uni work to keep me busy. Speaking of which… lecture time!!!

Stay safe and Ciao for now!

x

Grieving

For most women, hitting that time of the month is just an inconvenience that doesn’t really mean much. Don’t get me wrong, we all know what we have them for but you don’t really think about what it means. I’m talking about the fact that with every period, that is one more potential child slipping away.

When a girl is born she will have approximately 2 million eggs in her ovaries… great right? Wrong, around 11 thousand eggs die every month leading up to puberty so by the time you reach your teenage years you have around 300-400 thousand eggs. Still not too shabby… EXCEPT, approximately a thousand eggs die each month. And when you run out, well you run out. Not all women are the same some women have fewer eggs but we don’t have little counters on our pelvis telling us how many we have left.

The average age of the menopause is 51, around 5% of women will experience menopause between 40 and 45 and 1% before 40. Not a lot, except that is still 1 in 100 women. Suddenly doesn’t sound quite so great.

My point is, that whole ticking biological clock is a real thing. And with every period you are essentially losing a child. This might sound dramatic but for some of us it just feels real. So with every period, we grieve. We grieve the loss of a child we will never have. And you ruminate, you spend a good amount of time during that period getting upset and stressing over what is happening to those tiny little eggs inside your body.

It’s hard to understand this unless you have been here. And although I thought I was alone I have recently found out I am not. This is a genuine grief that women feel but we don’t talk about it. The average age for women to have their first baby is 28, well, I’m 9 years beyond that… that is approximately 108,000 eggs. Approximately 108 periods. That’s a lot of babies I have missed out on.

And this is why I am on this journey. My clock is ticking, my eggs are dying, their quality is degrading and my uterus isn’t getting any younger either. So I am here, having bloods taken, spending my spare time looking through sperm bank catalogues and imagining what my future child would look like… if this works. Please, please let this work!