Not my best day

Having not received my blood results by Friday I knew treatment this month was out. Gutting but just meant back to the original plan of December. Then, I got my test result.

Amazing how one small number can be so devastating. I need my TSH level to be 2.5, I have spent the last week picturing that number in my head. My phone call this morning told me that my TSH level is 5.8. That’s not even near 2.5.

6.3 to 5.8. I needed it to drop by 3.8, it dropped by 0.5. I booked a phone appointment for the GP this afternoon, put the phone down and cried. Then I went and bought the biggest chocolate Croissant the shop had. Then I came home and gave my cats a massive cuddle… they were ok with this to start with then decided it had gone on too long and really they just wanted to be outside!

Now, I have pulled myself together and I am trying to accept that December is unlikely to happen. In fact at this point I have decided not to set a goal. I am just going to focus on my thyroid doing the job it is meant to do.

To say this year had been shit would be an understatement!!! My family needs a boost, we need something positive. I really thought I could give that to them. It’s weird how I almost feel like I’m letting people down!

Please don’t get me wrong! I am not sinking into a deep depression! I have been there and this is nothing like that! I promise! I am just sad. I know I have said it before but when you get to this age the whole “clock is ticking” thing starts to feel VERY real. And therefore every month that passes is another loss.

My family lost someone very special last week. Someone, quite frankly, inspirational. I think part of me thought that if I could just give them a glimmer of something it would help with the pain. Not that I have told the majority of them about this. But I considered it. For the first time in a year I seriously considered telling the whole family.

But not now. Now I will wait. The reason I started this blog was to get my emotions out. I am an extremely emotional person! I have been known to cry at adverts! Putting it down in words is a way of helping me work out my feelings and emotions. So, today, writing this, I know I am grieving. Mostly for my amazing cousin but also for the baby that won’t be. BUT! I know it is another hurdle that I will cross, it might take a few attempts (and to be fair I was rubbish at hurdles in school!) but I will do it. I have amazing family and friends (even ones who have no idea) who are incredible at reminding me how lucky I am to have what I have and who support me and will continue to support me.

So, maybe not December, maybe not even January but it will happen. I just have to keep going and keep going until I get my dream. Until then I have a classroom of little people to keep me on my toes and a fair amount of uni work to keep me busy. Speaking of which… lecture time!!!

Stay safe and Ciao for now!

x

Ups and Downs

It’s been a weird week this week. I started off feeling so positive at the start of the week! Then yesterday happened. I don’t know why but I just felt so low. I had been in work the day before and I loved seeing the children and colleagues that were also working. We also had some absolutely amazing donations of food for our families that need more support. It was such an overwhelming gesture of kindness that actually made us cry! To see what people had donated for people they have never met before was incredible.

I don’t know if it was a reaction to being back in my home by myself but yesterday was probably the lowest I have felt for a long time. Things I had felt positive about suddenly seemed negative. It was almost like I woke up into a different place yesterday. Even cuddles with the cats didn’t work! I have seen a lot about mental health during this lockdown and I chose to take every day as it comes. I have read that routine is the best way through, but it is the routine that I find depressing. In my job no two days are the same. Things change on a daily basis and every day I see kids growing to become little people and achieving things they didn’t know they could. I feel now that we are losing some of those children. For some school work has gone completely out the window because parents aren’t helping them. I have seen young children writing nonsense in online tasks because they have no idea what they are doing but they have been left to their own devices. I know it is hard for parents who are working from home but primary children need support to learn.

And now we hear that the government wants us to allow children back to school. Whilst social distancing. Starting with the youngest. Into classrooms that allow very few children. They are to work in “bubbles” and are not to leave those “bubbles”. Children in reception who are used to learning through play are now going to be expected to social distance and sit at tables.

My heart is torn in so many directions. Children NEED to be in school. But we also need to keep them safe. People keep saying how Denmark did it… I can’t even begin to go into the comparisons but let’s just say they did this whole thing better! Oh and childminders are meant to reopen! Please, please, someone explain how this is to be done? How are parents meant to hand their child to another adult whilst social distancing? How do you look after a small child and stay 2m away?

Part of me is glad I am not a parent right now. With everything so uncertain. I worry about the children I work with. I worry about my family and friends’ children.

Then there is the part of me that is starting to question when I will get my turn… if I will get my turn? The longer this pandemic goes on the longer it is until I can start IUI. And let’s face it, the chances of it happening first time are very remote. And yet I had already decided to put it off until later in the year anyway. So why am I getting so stressed about this?

Because this is what Lockdown does. It gives you too much time to sit and stress about things. I have been trying to find ways to keep my mind occupied with other things. But at some point the reality of being stuck in a house by yourself, not being able to spend much time with friends, let alone get a hug from a friend, will hit. And yesterday it hit me like a bus. hearing my colleagues talk about what they have been doing with their families to keep themselves going. Facebook has become my companion.

I even tried looking at online dating again… I had to laugh when the search came up and said it couldn’t find anything for me! Just about says it all!!!!

Stay safe everyone.

#Borisbaby

I know I only wrote yesterday but I have just seen the news that Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie have had their baby! Now I’m not going to lie, I am definitely NOT a Boris fan! But come on, who doesn’t love a newborn baby! So, congratulations to the new parents, enjoy your little man! A baby is a blessing that not everyone will receive.

And to the trolls out there who are sitting behind their screens making vile and disgusting comments, just stop. Because if this is what your life has come to, it’s about time you looked in the mirror and realised the person you have become. I might not agree with his politics, but at the end of the day Boris is a new dad, he has a family and he is human, whether you think it or not. So back off.

Oh and congratulations to EVERYONE who is having/ has had a baby during this weird time in our lives. And to you single Mums doing it on your own right now, with NO support whatsoever… YOU ARE AMAZING! Remember that!

Stay safe everyone!

Life goes on?

We are now in week six (I think!) of Lockdown and I don’t know about anyone else but I am struggling! I was not made to work from home, I was not made to sit inside all the time nor to have no contact with people. I don’t just mean talking or seeing people in the street but hugs … I need hugs! I am a hug-loving person and I miss hugs! I am getting some lovely hugs from my cats but somehow it’s just not the same.

I’ve talked before about how I envy people in relationships but this has taken that to a whole new level. I can literally not touch a single human being. I can’t cuddle my nieces or my friends’ kids, can’t give them a kiss and say how much I miss them. I am contact free! And it is driving me insane!

The majority of my day is spent on social media or the phone (obviously when I’m not working) but it’s not the same as sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea having a chat. That moment when you are sharing stories and you touch the other persons arm, or when you give someone a hug because they have just told you some amazing news… I miss that. We are humans we were made to show affection through physical contact. But now we are told NO!

It seems not everyone is taking this social distancing thing quite so seriously though. I have seen people meeting up on the streets, sharing car journeys and even going in to other people’s houses… I’d love to give these people the benefit of the doubt and say that had valid reasons… but I don’t believe it!

There have been rumours of Lockdown being relaxed early, I’m not sure where these came from but I am not convinced. Having seen how people behave now, do we really want to risk the actions people will take? What is the saying? “Give an inch and they’ll take a mile”. Sad, but true.

There has also been talk of non-urgent medical appointments being reinstated. So that has got the big question of, will fertility treatments resume? This really puts me in a quandary. Desperation to ‘get back to it’ versus ‘can I take the risk?’ Heart says one, head says the other. But for once I will stick with my head. I am not willing to take the risk. Plus, I am a key worker, I may not have physical contact with other people but I still go to work.. with children. I wouldn’t want to risk taking something with me to the clinic. So for now, I will carry on. Plus, I am starting uni in September, now is not the time to start treatment!

So is life going on? Well, of course it is. It is just a very bizarre life that involves me having a lot of one sided conversations with 2, 9 month old kittens, lots of online training, slimming world and drama meetings via Zoom and box sets. I am even practicing with the old makeup! Times really are desperate! And there is also a lot of time for rumenation!

This was supposed be a blog about becoming a single mum by choice but has become the ramblings of a crazy cat lady in Lockdown! Sorry!

Stay safe everyone!

Shocked

I am going somewhat off topic tonight. But I am still reeling over the news that Caroline Flack has taken her own life. It is so strange when someone in the public eye dies. You have never met them and even though you don’t know them, you feel like you do.

I have always admired Caroline Flack, she was a bright and bubbly personality and it may sound cheesy but she made me smile! But it just shows, you have no idea what is going on behind the smile.

I know this because I have been there. And it still scares me to think I was not far off being in the same position as Caroline. I truly believe the difference for me was I was surrounded by support and I did not have to read or hear negative and slaying comments about me or my personal life.

People have said that if you choose a life where people watch you every day you just have to accept this as part of it. But that is not true. There are those that sit behind their screens and write hideous things about people they know nothing about. And it’s easy because they don’t have to look them in the eye. But words hurt, they can cut through you like a blade.

I had one complaint made about me as a midwife, it was from a couple who had a tough time and their baby had complications. I know I did nothing wrong but they needed a scape goat. I am sympathetic to this. But they said I was uncaring. It was like I had been kicked in the stomach and punched in the face. I can honestly say that no matter what was going on in my head my women and their babies and families ALWAYS came first. The night after I was told about this I went home and cried. Solidly for hours. I didn’t realise it at the time but my mental health had already started to decline and this tipped me over the edge. I would drive around trying to work out in my head how hard I needed to hit a tree to hurt myself but not kill myself. And it was the day I stopped worrying how hard and just wondered which tree would be best I knew I needed help.

I am so relieved to say that I am way out the other side. I am happy. I want to get out of bed in the morning, shower and brush my teeth. I have a purpose and a drive. But I only had one comment. It took one to tip me over the edge and if it just took one for me I cannot imagine what Caroline was going through.

People need to stop using social media as a way to slate people and use it for good. Children get bullied at school but it doesn’t stop when they come home. Social media can be great but it can ruin lives. I don’t know how to police it, I’d be a millionaire if I did. But people need to know their is a consequence to their actions. I would like to think those that trolled Caroline Flack are feeling like shit tonight but the sad truth is they probably don’t think it has anything to do with them. It does.

I hope that Caroline can rest in peace now. I hope her family can find some way to get through this.

Please people, think before you act. You never know what someone is going through and sometimes you might find out too late.