Shocked

I am going somewhat off topic tonight. But I am still reeling over the news that Caroline Flack has taken her own life. It is so strange when someone in the public eye dies. You have never met them and even though you don’t know them, you feel like you do.

I have always admired Caroline Flack, she was a bright and bubbly personality and it may sound cheesy but she made me smile! But it just shows, you have no idea what is going on behind the smile.

I know this because I have been there. And it still scares me to think I was not far off being in the same position as Caroline. I truly believe the difference for me was I was surrounded by support and I did not have to read or hear negative and slaying comments about me or my personal life.

People have said that if you choose a life where people watch you every day you just have to accept this as part of it. But that is not true. There are those that sit behind their screens and write hideous things about people they know nothing about. And it’s easy because they don’t have to look them in the eye. But words hurt, they can cut through you like a blade.

I had one complaint made about me as a midwife, it was from a couple who had a tough time and their baby had complications. I know I did nothing wrong but they needed a scape goat. I am sympathetic to this. But they said I was uncaring. It was like I had been kicked in the stomach and punched in the face. I can honestly say that no matter what was going on in my head my women and their babies and families ALWAYS came first. The night after I was told about this I went home and cried. Solidly for hours. I didn’t realise it at the time but my mental health had already started to decline and this tipped me over the edge. I would drive around trying to work out in my head how hard I needed to hit a tree to hurt myself but not kill myself. And it was the day I stopped worrying how hard and just wondered which tree would be best I knew I needed help.

I am so relieved to say that I am way out the other side. I am happy. I want to get out of bed in the morning, shower and brush my teeth. I have a purpose and a drive. But I only had one comment. It took one to tip me over the edge and if it just took one for me I cannot imagine what Caroline was going through.

People need to stop using social media as a way to slate people and use it for good. Children get bullied at school but it doesn’t stop when they come home. Social media can be great but it can ruin lives. I don’t know how to police it, I’d be a millionaire if I did. But people need to know their is a consequence to their actions. I would like to think those that trolled Caroline Flack are feeling like shit tonight but the sad truth is they probably don’t think it has anything to do with them. It does.

I hope that Caroline can rest in peace now. I hope her family can find some way to get through this.

Please people, think before you act. You never know what someone is going through and sometimes you might find out too late.

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