My plan is for this to be an anonymous blog, at least for now. I have only told a few people about my decision. This is nothing personal to the other people in my life but it is a defence mechanism. I am still working to get my head around what is happening. Don’t get me wrong it is the best decision of my life and for the first time in many, many years I feel that thing called hope. I want to avoid too many questions of, “have you had treatment yet?”, “are you pregnant yet?”, “any news?”. For those of you who I have told, you can ask!
I am a 38 year old women who has spent her life believing her sole purpose is to be a mum. I truly believed I would have my first baby by 25. I wanted to be a younger mum. But life did not go that way. I have had bad experiences with men and I now find trust very hard. I also have extremely low self esteem. This has taken me a long time to realise, but I do. And when you have low self esteem and trust issues, relationships don’t just become hard, they become non-existent. I recently thought I had found the one to change it all and then we had ‘the chat’. He doesn’t want children, he is already a dad and that is enough for him. So, singledom again.
I bought kittens, who are currently my babies. But, as much as I love them, they are not filling that void.
Then, I was given a lifeline. My Mum. Seeing how hard I was finding it offered to help me. I cried, not with sadness but with an emotion I couldn’t ever imagine. Now when I see a baby I feel hope not sadness. When I spend my days looking after other people’s children, I no longer feel that is my destiny. I CAN be a Mum. I am not going in with the blinkers on, it may not work. And if it doesn’t I have other options, but I have the chance to be a Mum.
And the men I already have in my life are all I need right now. They love me, they care about me… I finally see this even if they don’t say it!
So, I am inviting you to join me on my journey. I write what I feel, I do not edit. It is from my heart and I do not apologise for it!