I have finally decided to go public with my journey, I have told my family and I want people to know what I am going through.
I am Nikki and I am a 38 year old women who has spent her life believing her sole purpose is to be a mum. I truly believed I would have my first baby by 25. I wanted to be a younger mum. But life did not go that way. I have had bad experiences with men and I now find trust very hard. I also have extremely low self esteem. This has taken me a long time to realise, but I do. And when you have low self esteem and trust issues, relationships don’t just become hard, they become non-existent. I recently thought I had found the one to change it all and then we had ‘the chat’. He doesn’t want children, he is already a dad and that is enough for him. So, singledom again.
I bought kittens, who are currently my babies. But, as much as I love them, they are not filling that void.
Then, I was given a lifeline. My Mum. Seeing how hard I was finding it offered to help me. I cried, not with sadness but with an emotion I couldn’t ever imagine. Now when I see a baby I feel hope not sadness. When I spend my days looking after other people’s children, I no longer feel that is my destiny. I CAN be a Mum. I am not going in with the blinkers on, it may not work. And if it doesn’t I have other options, but I have the chance to be a Mum.
And the men I already have in my life are all I need right now. They love me, they care about me… I finally see this even if they don’t say it!
So, I am inviting you to join me on my journey. I write what I feel, I do not edit. It is from my heart and I do not apologise for it!