Not my best day

Having not received my blood results by Friday I knew treatment this month was out. Gutting but just meant back to the original plan of December. Then, I got my test result.

Amazing how one small number can be so devastating. I need my TSH level to be 2.5, I have spent the last week picturing that number in my head. My phone call this morning told me that my TSH level is 5.8. That’s not even near 2.5.

6.3 to 5.8. I needed it to drop by 3.8, it dropped by 0.5. I booked a phone appointment for the GP this afternoon, put the phone down and cried. Then I went and bought the biggest chocolate Croissant the shop had. Then I came home and gave my cats a massive cuddle… they were ok with this to start with then decided it had gone on too long and really they just wanted to be outside!

Now, I have pulled myself together and I am trying to accept that December is unlikely to happen. In fact at this point I have decided not to set a goal. I am just going to focus on my thyroid doing the job it is meant to do.

To say this year had been shit would be an understatement!!! My family needs a boost, we need something positive. I really thought I could give that to them. It’s weird how I almost feel like I’m letting people down!

Please don’t get me wrong! I am not sinking into a deep depression! I have been there and this is nothing like that! I promise! I am just sad. I know I have said it before but when you get to this age the whole “clock is ticking” thing starts to feel VERY real. And therefore every month that passes is another loss.

My family lost someone very special last week. Someone, quite frankly, inspirational. I think part of me thought that if I could just give them a glimmer of something it would help with the pain. Not that I have told the majority of them about this. But I considered it. For the first time in a year I seriously considered telling the whole family.

But not now. Now I will wait. The reason I started this blog was to get my emotions out. I am an extremely emotional person! I have been known to cry at adverts! Putting it down in words is a way of helping me work out my feelings and emotions. So, today, writing this, I know I am grieving. Mostly for my amazing cousin but also for the baby that won’t be. BUT! I know it is another hurdle that I will cross, it might take a few attempts (and to be fair I was rubbish at hurdles in school!) but I will do it. I have amazing family and friends (even ones who have no idea) who are incredible at reminding me how lucky I am to have what I have and who support me and will continue to support me.

So, maybe not December, maybe not even January but it will happen. I just have to keep going and keep going until I get my dream. Until then I have a classroom of little people to keep me on my toes and a fair amount of uni work to keep me busy. Speaking of which… lecture time!!!

Stay safe and Ciao for now!

x

Fingers Firmly Crossed! šŸ¤ž

What a strange old time we are living in these days. Let’s face it, another lockdown has been on the cards for a while now and it has come as no surprise to me that it has finally arrived. It might be selfish to say but my first reaction was to check my fertility clinic’s website and check things hadn’t stopped again! So far… ALL GOOD!

I wrote a month or so ago to say that my progesterone had come back and showed a really good result, the excitement from that dwindled quite quickly as I was having to wait and take 6 weeks of thyroxine in the hope that my TSH level would come down to a reasonable level. I’m not sure where my brain got muddled but I was thinking that test was on the 7th November. Possibly the consequence of writing my first essay in many years. I had resigned myself to the earliest possible time to start treatment being December due to the fact I would have to wait for the result then contact the clinic on my next period , so they could prep the sperm sample, then test for my ovulation surge. With my period being due this weekend it was just not going to happen.

UNTIL… this weekend I received a text reminder for my blood test on 2nd November! Not only that Mother Nature has decided to give me one of my longer cycles and so far no sign that my period is intending to show up!!! So this morning I went off to my blood test, a nice early morning appointment to make sure I was home for lectures. Kudos to the nurse! I may have mentioned this before but I am renowned for being incredibly difficult to bleed. I have even been asked by the blood transfusion service not to come back as even when they do get a vein it point blank refuses to give enough blood to make my donation worth while! So imagine my surprise when the nurse sat me down, put the tourniquet on and drew a vile of blood within the space of around 2 minutes! Maybe, at 7:30 am, my veins hadn’t had a chance to wake up properly and realise they were supposed to play up! Or maybe… just maybe… things might be going my way?

The bad news came when the nurse told me it would take 2 WEEKS for my blood results to come back. Now, I have to be honest, her comment didn’t sink in until I was back at the car, I think I was still in shock! But then I did a delayed double take! 2 weeks?!?! Surely not! I don’t remember it taking that long last time, nor do I remember any blood test taking that long when I was a midwife. After stressing about it, I turned to a couple of amazing friends who instantly calmed me down and have suggest I phone after 2 days! I’m hoping that the nurse was also feeling the affects of the early morning start!

So now I am sitting here with my calendar in front of me working out the possibility of starting treatment THIS MONTH! It pretty much now comes down to one number! I need that number to be 2.5 or less. Whilst my essay has provided a good distraction, now that it is finished I can’t help thinking this will be the focus of my attention for the next 48 hours! And then, of course, I will be at placement on Wednesday! I can’t phone for results until after 11am, so in reality it will most likely be 4:30pm before I can phone!

This is all partly like things are really falling into place and partly like when I was standing on the edge of the Kawarau Bridge in 2002, waiting to jump off, attached to a giant elastic band! The baby dreams have returned this weekend and, once again, I see Mums with pushchairs everywhere.

For now, I will be continuing to employ the Law of Attraction, and focus on positive thoughts and visualise the number 2.5! I know some people will think it’s a load of rubbish but if there is even the remotest chance of it working, I’m there! 2.5 people, 2.5!!!

Ciao for now and stay safe!

Result!

More good news received this week!! I am not going to lie, I was pretty nervous about the progesterone test… I knew I was getting periods and that my egg count was good but that didn’t guarantee I was ovulating.

Result showed that my progesterone level was around 50nmol/l this confirms I have ovulated! Happy days!

Now I am just waiting to get the next 5 weeks out the way so I can have a repeat TSH and fingers crossed the last piece of the puzzle will be in place!

I also need them to get this tooth out asap! I’m having it done under sedation so the sooner the better!

I thought I would be really distracted by doing my PGCE but I was wrong! Since things have started moving forward again I am constantly thinking about being a mum and dreaming about it! I’d love to say the dreams were all lovely but I’m getting the odd nightmare about things not working too. I guess that is just my anxieties showing their ugly faces. I need to listen to my friend and use the power of positive thinking!!!

Stay safe lovely people!

Finally Falling into Place!

I feel like this last week has been a huge step forward in my plan to become a single Mum. Last time I spoke to you things were moving again but there was a lot still up in the air. Today has been a BIG day for me.

Since I last wrote my thyroid function test showed that my TSH (thyroid stimulation hormone) levels are rising. This means that my thyroid isn’t doing the job it really should be doing, so my pituitary gland is making more and more TSH to try and boot it into action! Unfortunately the action of my body doing this increases the chances of miscarriage and also poor fetal development. This is because the baby depends on their mother’s thyroxine to help their brain development. This is why, what may be a normal TSH level for your GP may not be ok when you are trying to get pregnant. My TSH level in January this year was around 3.5, the clinic wants it to be 2.5. My blood test in July showed that my TSH has risen to 6.3. Now depending on where you look this is either normal or high! Either way it is absolutely too high for my clinic so I am now on a minimal dose of Levothyroxine. Job 1 done!

Job 2 was my progesterone test! Oh progesterone! This is the hormone that is produced by something called the corpus luteum after ovulation. In basic terms it tells you if you have ovulated! Something I didn’t know, even when studying to be a midwife, was that you could still have a period without ovulating! To me this did not make sense! I am still finding books to read up on this as my inquisitive brain needs to know more! Anyway, due to not having a regular cycle (anywhere between 24 and 34 days) getting the timing on a progesterone test is not simple, particularly when you have to book a blood test a month in advance at the GP! Fortunately the clinic can cover this and, having checked for my ovulation surge, today I went to the clinic for, hopefully, an accurate result! Of course, once I got there, having drunk 2 litres of fluid on the way over to bulk out my veins, my lovely nurse struggled to get blood out of me! Job 2, done (just)!

Then came the biggie! That decision that I didn’t know how to make. They little swimmers and where they were coming from! I quickly removed the US banks from my searches as they go massively in depth on the donor… too in depth if you ask me. In fact, I think I know more about some of them that my own family! So it was down the Europe or UK. My criteria was not what I consider picky, blue eyes with light hair. I got a choice of 3 from the UK and 2 from Europe! I picked one! Yes! Oh, out of stock! Looked through again and I just kept coming back to the same one. I emailed the back, I waited, I waited, they replied… I ORDERED THE SPERM!

These are not words I EVER thought I would be writing and I must say this whole thing has lead to some, quite frankly, hysterical conversations with friends! But I did it!

This is why I now feel things are really moving. I need to take another blood test (oh yeay) in 6 weeks, fingers crossed TSH level will be back down and boom… we’re off!!!

This is finally happening!!!!!

Long time!

Wow! I haven’t been on here in months. Mainly because I really haven’t had anything to share. Lockdown really scuppered everything! I’ve also been suffering really badly with migraines recently. I was asked if anything was stressing me out and I couldn’t think of anything. Then I spoke to one of the nurses at the clinic yesterday and she asked me how I had been coping with the big gap in everything moving forward and I realised that maybe I was a bit more stressed out than I realised!

Don’t get me wrong, I started my PGCE last week and I think this has worked for the best but you just can’t help hear that clock ticking very loudly in your subconscious.

My consultant had said to me, at the beginning of this year, that I was still in the “ok” age-range but 38 was where it started to get more and more tricky. Well, in just 40 days I will be turning 38. That’s just two years off the big 4 0! This is getting real!

The discussion with the nurse was regarding the dreaded Progesterone test. Am I having it redone or not… answer finally, yes I am! But due to the fact that my cycle is not exactly regular I now have to do daily ovulation tests to check for my surge then have a blood test 7 days after! It’s all very precise! I have also had to have a repeat thyroid function test because despite my level being “normal”, it wasn’t spot on enough for the fertility experts!!!

Going through all this and knowing how accurate things need to be, it makes me wonder how people get pregnant so often!!! Having been a midwife I thought I knew quite a lot… but then I did join the party after conception!

So now I just sit and wait for that line to appear on the stick to tell me I can book my blood test! Turns out those lines have become very important in my life!!

Now I am just praying we don’t end up in another lockdown!

Stay safe everyone!

Not what I had planned…

It is Sunday night. I had planned a nice hot bath and a book curled up.kn the sofa. Instead I am sat outside the emergency vet waiting to find out if my 10 month old cat is ok. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned in here before about her bleeding. She appears to have a problem with clotting. She cloths but it takes a really long time. Which essentially means that even the smallest pink prick means her bleeding for ages… in fact she’s never had a bleed that hasn’t had to be treated by a vet.

After disappearing off this afternoon and not coming back when I put food out (very unlike her) I panicked. But in she trotted a little while later wondering where her food was. No sooner had I calmed down before she started sneezing, sneezing blood. This happened before, not long after I got her she had a persistent nose bleed and ended up in the veterinary hospital for 5 days. So I was straight on the phone and bringing her down. On the way down her eye started looking puffy and weept then it almost looked like she was bleeding from her eye… but then she kept wiping her nose with her paws so could have transferred blood. Either way, she looked like she was getting worse.

The thing is, I know pets are a massive part of people’s lives, but these cats are all I have right now. They are getting me through a really lonely time. And I don’t have kids right now, I have my cats! My nurturing side is being used to care and love my little furry friends.

The worst part of all this, is being stuck outside in the car not knowing what is going on. I have been here for over an hour and no idea what is happening. The last time she was like this I was inside with her.

I know some people with think I’m crazy but right now she really is my baby! Ok, before you think I have lost it, I am not talking in the literal sense. Obviously, she is a cat… kitten. But I am worried about what is going on.

For now, I sit and I wait. It’s all I can do. And I hate it.

Ups and Downs

It’s been a weird week this week. I started off feeling so positive at the start of the week! Then yesterday happened. I don’t know why but I just felt so low. I had been in work the day before and I loved seeing the children and colleagues that were also working. We also had some absolutely amazing donations of food for our families that need more support. It was such an overwhelming gesture of kindness that actually made us cry! To see what people had donated for people they have never met before was incredible.

I don’t know if it was a reaction to being back in my home by myself but yesterday was probably the lowest I have felt for a long time. Things I had felt positive about suddenly seemed negative. It was almost like I woke up into a different place yesterday. Even cuddles with the cats didn’t work! I have seen a lot about mental health during this lockdown and I chose to take every day as it comes. I have read that routine is the best way through, but it is the routine that I find depressing. In my job no two days are the same. Things change on a daily basis and every day I see kids growing to become little people and achieving things they didn’t know they could. I feel now that we are losing some of those children. For some school work has gone completely out the window because parents aren’t helping them. I have seen young children writing nonsense in online tasks because they have no idea what they are doing but they have been left to their own devices. I know it is hard for parents who are working from home but primary children need support to learn.

And now we hear that the government wants us to allow children back to school. Whilst social distancing. Starting with the youngest. Into classrooms that allow very few children. They are to work in “bubbles” and are not to leave those “bubbles”. Children in reception who are used to learning through play are now going to be expected to social distance and sit at tables.

My heart is torn in so many directions. Children NEED to be in school. But we also need to keep them safe. People keep saying how Denmark did it… I can’t even begin to go into the comparisons but let’s just say they did this whole thing better! Oh and childminders are meant to reopen! Please, please, someone explain how this is to be done? How are parents meant to hand their child to another adult whilst social distancing? How do you look after a small child and stay 2m away?

Part of me is glad I am not a parent right now. With everything so uncertain. I worry about the children I work with. I worry about my family and friends’ children.

Then there is the part of me that is starting to question when I will get my turn… if I will get my turn? The longer this pandemic goes on the longer it is until I can start IUI. And let’s face it, the chances of it happening first time are very remote. And yet I had already decided to put it off until later in the year anyway. So why am I getting so stressed about this?

Because this is what Lockdown does. It gives you too much time to sit and stress about things. I have been trying to find ways to keep my mind occupied with other things. But at some point the reality of being stuck in a house by yourself, not being able to spend much time with friends, let alone get a hug from a friend, will hit. And yesterday it hit me like a bus. hearing my colleagues talk about what they have been doing with their families to keep themselves going. Facebook has become my companion.

I even tried looking at online dating again… I had to laugh when the search came up and said it couldn’t find anything for me! Just about says it all!!!!

Stay safe everyone.

New Adventure!

Good morning my lovely readers! This week has been a very bizarre week for me. Firstly, I have started a new business venture, (more about that later), then I started to feel a bit poop. Sore throat, temperature, just generally feeling ick. Then the cough! Now, I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve been so ill and I’ve had a really horrendous cough, I haven’t. I have felt a bit icky and I’ve now got an irritating but not too bad cough. It just feels like I need to cough but when I do, it just doesn’t clear anything. Chest feels tight at night but other than that, I’m really not too bad. But, as I am entitled to a test, and because I have been contacted by the NHS to say I may be needed back as a midwife, yesterday I drove an hour to my nearest test centre.

Surreal. That is the only word I can think to describe what happened! The AC is broken in my car so I drove up the motorway with all my windows open, I got to the test centre and was advised from now on, all my windows needed to stay closed unless I was asked to open them. It was a bit like being at Longleat! I made my way along the signed route and waited, then my QR code was scanned through my window. The lady then disappeared and came back with a test pack, walked to my passenger window and asked me to open it enough to put the test through! I then had to close my window and proceed to the next lady who asked me to switch off my engine and then gave me instructions through the closed window! There was a lot of signing in case I couldn’t hear properly! Next I moved to a parking bay where I put on the gloves and took out the test kit. Now, I’ve done lots of MRSA swabs in my time but I thought I would read the instructions anyway! And then I realised there was one swab and I had to do both my nose and throat! I’m used to two swabs, one for each. I did the test, snapped the swab in half as directed and put it in the pot. Stuck the bar codes on as instructed then waited for the gentleman to direct me to the next check point! Here I turned my engine off again, showed the lady that I had labelled everything correctly and that I had my test card that I keep, then I was once again allowed to open the window and slide my test kit back out and into the box! Then another hour’s drive home again!

I now have to wait for the text message to say whether I have or don’t have the virus. Have I been lucky and got away with very mild symptoms or is it just a bit of hayfever! I’m going to be honest my gut says I don’t have the virus. I live on my own, when I go to the shops I follow social distancing as much as I can (depending on other people’s versions of social distancing!) and I am washing my hands so much my moisturiser can’t keep up! So surely I don’t have it!

Anyway, that’s all done! Back to my business! Anyone who know me knows I’ve never been massively into makeup, but recently my friend started selling it, I fell in love with it and now I’m doing the same! Will it work.. I blooming hope so! I’m just going to have to work hard at it!

Ok, now i have to go and do my NHS online training!

Stay safe!

It’s the little things

So, I started feeling rough last night, sore throat, temperature, bit sniffly. No cough thank goodness! I was hoping a good night sleep would sort it out but I woke up this morning feeling very sorry for myself. Still feeling poop, so I had a lie-in… that was until at 9:55am I remembered we had a class Zoom call at 10am.. and I was supposed to be on 5 minutes before! Oops! Threw on a jumper over the PJs and ran down to the laptop!

Oh am I glad I did! Kurt Vonnegut Jr said, ā€œEnjoy theĀ little things in lifeĀ because one day you`ll look back and realize they were the bigĀ things.ā€ A zoom call to a class of kids may seem like a small thing in the grand scheme but this morning it was EXACTLY what I needed! It’s been over 6 weeks since schools closed and even before that our class numbers had all but halved. As teaching staff we do our jobs because we love working in a school with the children, not sitting at home working from a laptop. But this morning we got to see those smiling faces and here their lockdown stories! I was trying very hard not to show how emotional I was getting!

Like many people, before lockdown, I had no idea what Zoom was… now it’s become my lifeline! I had a university interview via Zoom, staff training, Slimming World meetings, drama meetings and now class time!

So yes, Kurt, I agree! The little things are the big things and I think we should all remember that. Particularly now. I see posts on Facebook about children looking back at this time and remembering spending it with their families. I know this won’t be true for all children and that breaks my heart but for those who do, this time will shape them and hopefully remind people the importance of putting down your phone and looking your child in the eye.

Stay safe everyone.

#Borisbaby

I know I only wrote yesterday but I have just seen the news that Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie have had their baby! Now I’m not going to lie, I am definitely NOT a Boris fan! But come on, who doesn’t love a newborn baby! So, congratulations to the new parents, enjoy your little man! A baby is a blessing that not everyone will receive.

And to the trolls out there who are sitting behind their screens making vile and disgusting comments, just stop. Because if this is what your life has come to, it’s about time you looked in the mirror and realised the person you have become. I might not agree with his politics, but at the end of the day Boris is a new dad, he has a family and he is human, whether you think it or not. So back off.

Oh and congratulations to EVERYONE who is having/ has had a baby during this weird time in our lives. And to you single Mums doing it on your own right now, with NO support whatsoever… YOU ARE AMAZING! Remember that!

Stay safe everyone!