Ups and Downs

It’s been a weird week this week. I started off feeling so positive at the start of the week! Then yesterday happened. I don’t know why but I just felt so low. I had been in work the day before and I loved seeing the children and colleagues that were also working. We also had some absolutely amazing donations of food for our families that need more support. It was such an overwhelming gesture of kindness that actually made us cry! To see what people had donated for people they have never met before was incredible.

I don’t know if it was a reaction to being back in my home by myself but yesterday was probably the lowest I have felt for a long time. Things I had felt positive about suddenly seemed negative. It was almost like I woke up into a different place yesterday. Even cuddles with the cats didn’t work! I have seen a lot about mental health during this lockdown and I chose to take every day as it comes. I have read that routine is the best way through, but it is the routine that I find depressing. In my job no two days are the same. Things change on a daily basis and every day I see kids growing to become little people and achieving things they didn’t know they could. I feel now that we are losing some of those children. For some school work has gone completely out the window because parents aren’t helping them. I have seen young children writing nonsense in online tasks because they have no idea what they are doing but they have been left to their own devices. I know it is hard for parents who are working from home but primary children need support to learn.

And now we hear that the government wants us to allow children back to school. Whilst social distancing. Starting with the youngest. Into classrooms that allow very few children. They are to work in “bubbles” and are not to leave those “bubbles”. Children in reception who are used to learning through play are now going to be expected to social distance and sit at tables.

My heart is torn in so many directions. Children NEED to be in school. But we also need to keep them safe. People keep saying how Denmark did it… I can’t even begin to go into the comparisons but let’s just say they did this whole thing better! Oh and childminders are meant to reopen! Please, please, someone explain how this is to be done? How are parents meant to hand their child to another adult whilst social distancing? How do you look after a small child and stay 2m away?

Part of me is glad I am not a parent right now. With everything so uncertain. I worry about the children I work with. I worry about my family and friends’ children.

Then there is the part of me that is starting to question when I will get my turn… if I will get my turn? The longer this pandemic goes on the longer it is until I can start IUI. And let’s face it, the chances of it happening first time are very remote. And yet I had already decided to put it off until later in the year anyway. So why am I getting so stressed about this?

Because this is what Lockdown does. It gives you too much time to sit and stress about things. I have been trying to find ways to keep my mind occupied with other things. But at some point the reality of being stuck in a house by yourself, not being able to spend much time with friends, let alone get a hug from a friend, will hit. And yesterday it hit me like a bus. hearing my colleagues talk about what they have been doing with their families to keep themselves going. Facebook has become my companion.

I even tried looking at online dating again… I had to laugh when the search came up and said it couldn’t find anything for me! Just about says it all!!!!

Stay safe everyone.

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