Thursday check in!

All still going well! The embryologist phoned this morning and said that one embryo is at the two cell stage and one had developed to the 4 cell stage. I had to research this but it means all is on track at the moment! I am pretty much one big bag or nerves today. It also doesn’t help that the procedure on Tuesday has left me constantly feeling like I need to pee… normal apparently. However, I guess if this goes to plan that is a feeling I need to get used to!

Anyway, embryologist will phone again in the morning with another update. Please keep sending those positive vibes, they are working so far you lovely people!

Stay safe and ciao for now. x

Overnight update….

Both eggs fertilised!!!!! I have had so many massages of luck and positive thoughts that I feel so overwhelmed but they worked.

I know this is just another step forward and I now have to wait until tomorrow to see how they are progressing. But this morning I cried with relief, no upset.

The next stage is for the embryologists to decide whether to transfer tomorrow or Sunday. My job is to replace the progesterone lost during egg retrieval. Upside, not injections! I now move onto the vaginal gel (sorry if that is TMI but this is the journey peeps!).

For today, more hot water bottles, tea (decaf) and cuddles with the cats. And of course using positive thinking and the Law of Attraction! Come on little embryos!

Stay safe and ciao for now.

Emotional? No kidding! Warning, this may be TMI for some!

Today was the day, egg collection. After very little sleep last night and an early morning my wonderful Dad came an collected me and took me to the clinic. I was filled with hope, excitement, nerves and if I’m honest a touch of fear.

I knew I was first on the list because I had spoken to the clinic yesterday. I got in there, put the sexy gown on, went through the consent form again and all the things to look out for afterwards. I’m.not going to lie, it’s a lot to take in which is why it is good that they give it to you written down! Then off to theatre. Not that it is like any theatre I have been in… it’s about a quarter of the size and with 3 people, well, 4 including me! The embryologist is in the lab through a hatch and I confirmed who I was with her. Then onto the bed and cannula and sedative in.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know sedation is not anaesthesia and the idea is you remain awake but you hopefully forget. I can tell you, whilst the time seemed to go fairly quickly, I have not forgotten how uncomfortable and it was. Particularly when it came to the left ovary! I also remember hearing them say there was quite a bit more bleeding than expected. I managed to have a little snooze after but woken up in pain again and feeling very nauseous. I was expecting pain but not the nausea! Thank goodness for sick bowls!

I could hear others around me who had been in after me, drinking tea and eating biscuits and getting ready to go, whilst I was being given anti-sickness medication and getting a hot pad for the pain. I should probably admit now that I am not the best with pain and I am worse with vomiting. I have improved since having my gall bladder out and try and keep it in my head but as this is a tell all, well I am admitting it.

After a while I did start to feel better and the nurse asked me to go for a wee. It was when I stood up I realised the potential reason for feeling light headed. I had had another bleed. Decision made that i needed to stick around and be monitored. I had also needed a bit more oxygen as my SATs (blood oxygen levels) were a bit low.

I’m happy to say after another half hour or so I picked up and the bleeding slowed right down to a normal level. I was given the good to go. All that remained was to speak to the embryologist. I had already heard the lady next to me come back in after she had been told she had not had eggs recovered. But that wasn’t going to be me.

And it wasn’t. But it wasn’t the result unwanted, or had imagined in my head either. I had a good number of follicles on my scan but it turned out that only 2 had eggs. Ideally we wanted 10 to 15. Whilst I know it is quality not quantity, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. The embryologist was lovely and talked me through the next stages. Tomorrow morning they will look and see whether either of the eggs have fertilised. If one has I will be back in on Thursday for transfer. If both do (come on eggs) they will reassess on Thursday to see if they implant one that day or wait until Sunday.

So that was it. Time to go home. And it was when I got home the reality of the situation hit me. 2 are way better than none but it is still not great. And the emotions of the day hit. Basically, I cried. And cried! Thank goodness for friends and in particular the girls in my group who have been through it themselves. IVF really is a whirlwind of emotion. The hope, the optimism, the highs and the heartbreak.

I need to hold on to the fact I have 2 tiny little chances currently sat in a petri dish doing what they can for me. And I will snuggle here on my sofa with a hot water bottle (still hurts!) sending lots of positive vibes their way. And of course I will keep you updated.

Stay safe and ciao for now. Xx

Wahoo!!!!

It turns out actually injecting the drug instead of air makes the process a lot more successful!

I have just returned from my day 1 scan at the clinic where I discovered that the lining of my uterus is perfectly thin and my ovaries are nice and ready with no pesky follicles making an appearance. I wanted to jump out of the chair and shout hooray but I wasn’t really in a position to do that!

In summary, I am very happy right now! I have a big grin on my face, which is probably why the people sat in the coffee shop with me are giving me some strange looks. Either that or my mask wearing has given me a strange mask line in my makeup! Either way, I don’t care!

Ok, so it’s not like I just found out I am pregnant but after the last month this feels a big leap forward. I also haven’t had any huge side effects from the injections,I’ve been a little emotional and I have some whopping bruises but mostly it’s all good. Fingers crossed for more of the same with the next lot.

Once I have finished my coffee I am off home to start the next injections and a week today I will have my next scan to see what’s happening. Come on!!!!!

Stay safe everyone and ciao for now!

Day 1 Scan!

I think if there is one thing my journey into the world of fertility has taught me, it is that (much like pregnancy) nothing is straight forward, or goes to plan! Today was supposed to be the third attempt at the day 1 scan but guess what… go on guess!!! That’s right… no day 1 scan! In order to have a day 1 scan you need to have at least started your period, if no period by the day before you need to phone and rearrange. So yesterday morning I made the phone call and rearranged my scan for next week. Then low and behold 3 hours later, mother nature made herself known!

As it turned out I had a mega migraine last night and took some tablets which have left me a bit dopey today so maybe this is a case of these things happen for a reason!

In 344 days time I am turning 40. My goal was that I would have had a baby by 40. I am now starting to wonder if it will happen. I also had plans to go to Disneyland Paris for my 40th! I went for my 30th and it coincided with the 20th anniversary to I was hoping I could do my 40th and the 30th anniversary! There would be something nice about a new baby, a 40th and a 30th in the same year.

Only a very quick post today.. hopefully I will finally have some more news in a week!

Stay safe and ciao for now. x

I am an idiot!

Well, that’s pretty much all I can say. It turns out this was all my fault after all. When I opened the box of medication there were packets of syringes that said Buserelin Kit 1. So I assumed that was the Buserelin. Did I check the syringes.. nope. They looked like they were good to go. So for 4 weeks I have been giving myself injections with these “pre-filled” syringes. Only it turns out they are not prefilled. What looks like they have liquid in is actually air. I have essentially been injecting myself with air for 4 weeks. I feel like an idiot. I was a midwife. I am not new to injections.

Anyway, I phoned the clinic today because I had a syringe that was empty and I was concerned. I am now angry at myself. I have found the vials of the actual Buserelin and I have now actually given myself a real injection. I am more emotional over this than the idea the drug wasn’t doing what it meant to do. This is probably the lowest I have felt and it is because none of this needed to have happened.

Once again, I will pull myself together and I will move on but for today I am going to continue to fume at myself.

Well…

I am not going to lie. I feel crap. I went for my scan this morning feeling really positive, I was chuffed because I was early only to get a phone call as I was driving into the clinic to see if i was coming as my appointment was at 11am not 11:30am! Covid brain! I need to stress this is not the reason I feel pants but it was how it started! I went in, emptied my bladder then scan time. Surely it had to be good news. Nope. My uterus lining, instead of thinning, had in fact thickened and that pesky follicle was still there, possibly ever so slightly smaller but there is was plain as day on the scan. I felt my heart sink, it’s never a good sign when the nurse starts off with, “I’m sorry…”.

I know it’s not the end of the road, but it just feels like the sat nav has given me an ETA then keeps taking random diversions along the way and I’m wondering if I will ever arrive at my destination. The nurse told me she would need to speak to the consultant but he was somewhere else today so would phone me once she had spoken to him. So, that was it. I got back to the car and part of me wanted to burst into tears, part of me wanted to throw something! I didn’t do either, instead I decided I was going to go and spend my birthday vouchers. Only, I got all the way to Bath centre and it was so busy I decided to go straight home instead! I really don’t do crowds!

Whilst I was driving home the nurse phoned and told me the new plan. Once I got home I was to give myself my trigger injection of Ovitrelle, this would hopefully stimulate the ovulation and the pesky follicle will go. I then have to wait until I start another period before I phone the clinic to book in another scan.

I have just given myself the injection and now I am back to waiting. I am still giving myself the buserelin every day and will continue to do so. It will happen… it has to. For now I feel crap, and I will probably for the next few days. But I will pick up. Life goes on as they say. Just another hurdle.

Stay safe and ciao for now. x

The results are in and….

I don’t know why I was surprised. In fact I don’t think I was surprised. The result we wanted was an oestrogen level of less than 200, mine, well mine was over 1,000! Of course it was! This is me and nothing is straight forward. So, another week wait before another scan. I confess now that sometimes I find it hard to keep positive. Even though I know this isn’t a major thing, it is still another thing that I need to process and work through.

It’s hard to put into words why something like is hits you so hard. Ok, so I have to wait another week for another scan. It’s just a week right? But it’s like I said the other day, suddenly the clock has started ticking very loudly. Days almost seem like weeks and weeks seem like months in term of my chances of being able to conceive. It might sound melodramatic but there is already a sense of failure knowing that I was unable to do it “naturally”, I mean as naturally as one can on her own. But now, even with the help of drugs, my reproductive system is just not playing along.

I realise that so far, I sound like I must be sinking into a deep depression and I’m really not! I’m still fairly practical about the whole thing but I have waves of emotion. I would love to blame that on the Buserelin but to be honest I have always been an emotional person and my family can confirm it! I knew that this “journey” would be tough, but I think part of me thought that, coming from my family, it would be easier and more straight forward. But no, not me!

So, for now, I will continue to wait another week and I will continue to work on being positive!

Stay safe and ciao for now! x

Nothing is simple!

I have just come our from my scan and of course, as always, nothing goes to plan! The uterus is doing its job but there appears to be a follicle in one of my ovaries that shouldn’t really be there!

It may be nothing but I have now had blood tests to check my oestrogen levels. If they are below 200, I am still good to go. If not, it’s another week and another scan to see what is happening.

I am staying positive and I will wait to see the result in the morning.

I am now off to enjoy the rest of my birthday!

Stay safe and ciao for now.

Celebrations and emotions.

Tomorrow will be my 21st injection of Buserelin and my first scan to check it is doing its job. It’s been a pretty rough few weeks. Not because of the injections but I have potentially had covid! I say potentially because despite 3 negative PCRs I was one of the 63,000 who then recieved a text to say they potentially had a false negative!

6 weeks ago it started with a temperature, sore throat, headache and general aches so I took a PCR and it was negative. A few days later the cough and breathlessness started. I spoke to the GP who advised me to get another PCR but to get to A&E if my breathing got any worse. Negative. I started to improve but he cough and pain in my chest and back persisted. I went back to work, even managed a netball match and thought all was good. Then one night, my breathing got worse again, temperature went up to 38.5 degrees and I felt like I had been hit by a bus. 2 and a half weeks after that my breathing has improved again, I can actually walk around my house and not have to stop. But now, I feel I could sleep as much as my cats do!

My biggest concern was my IVF. I was terrified that it would get delayed again. If it was this time last week there is no way I would consider the scan tomorrow but I now feel like I am good to go!

So tomorrow, on my 39th birthday, I will be scanned to check the thickness of the lining of my uterus. If all goes well I will be given the go ahead to add the next injection into my daily routine.

39… another reason I do not want any more delay to the process. That’s 1 year until I am 40. I didn’t mind being in my 30s, obviously 20s were the best but that number 4 feels like it has HUGE significance, particularly when it comes to having children. 40… that’s the age that children start thinking you are ancient! I remember being a child and thinking 40 was so far I the future it would never happen. But now it is just 365 days and 3 hours away.

I don’t feel it. I still feel 21. Ok, so my joints creak a bit more and last year I had to call and ambulance when I got stuck on the floor because my back had gone into spasm… but deep down, I just don’t feel like 40 is so close. I know I am going tosound like my grandmother now but seriously, where did my life go?!

It’s usually this day every year I sit and ruminate on time and how cruel it is that we can’t go back. Although, if like me you watch science fiction, you know that time travel could cause all sorts of issues of its own!

Anyway, I digress! This is not a science fiction blog… this is a blog about a woman in her late 30s who is facing her biological clock which seems to be ticking at an ever increasing rate! Had things gone to plan with IUI number 1, I would be 8 months pregnant by now. But it was not to be. So here is to IVF, positive thoughts and another birthday!

Stay safe everyone and ciao for now. Xxx

Apologies for any spelling or grammar errors… I really am exhausted!