It is actually real… I saw proof!

Today was probably the most nervous I have been to date. In a way I found it more nerve-wracking than the pregnancy test. Today I had my eight week early pregnancy scan. This isn’t a routine scan but if you have IVF it is a way of making sure you haven’t had a false positive but also that the fetus is in the correct place. I spent the morning distracting myself with the children at school but from the moment I sat in my car for the hour long journey it was all I could think about!

I have had so many dreams in the last few weeks where it wasn’t real, or they did the scan and there was nothing there. I also had a dream that I had a miscarriage. Apparently this is normal but it really didn’t help the anxiety! It also didn’t help that once I got there I was informed my scan was actually yesterday!!! I was mortified! Fortunately, my clinic is full of wonderful amazing people and they told me they would still do the scan. And if I’m honest, it worked out amazingly well because the person who did my scan is someone I used to work with who also did my embryo transfer… now known as my lucky charm!

The first moments of the scan were nerve-wracking, Kerry had warned me it might take her a while to find what she was looking for but I could feel myself holding my breath! And then both of saw it at the same time. This little fluttering blob. A little flutter that turned out to be the heartbeat in my little blob baby! Please don’t tell me off for being mean, but honestly, right now my baby looks like a blob! A blob I am completely and madly in love with!

Meet Blob… who has now been affectionately renamed, Bean! For those like me, who have no idea what they are looking at, the black area is the gestational sac (fluid), the round blob is the yolk sac (what is feeding the baby whilst the placenta fully develops) and the bean-like blob is known as the fetal pole, is my baby! Right now, as you can see it doesn’t look like a baby but that is because it is still developing. It has a heartbeat, it has started growing arms and legs, it has started developing eyes and ears and the spine is nearly formed.

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I am finally accepting that I am not making it up in my head and I am , in fact, pregnant! And although it can’t be 100% guaranteed, at this time we only saw 1 heartbeat! I cannot stop smiling! I know I can’t totally relax at this point. I still have a few more weeks to go. And most people wouldn’t have shared their news at this point. Fair play to them because there is no way I could keep this to myself! I know there is still a chance it could go wrong but for now, I am enjoying the moment and I officially consider myself a Mum! I had reached a point where I genuinely didn’t believe it would happen. It’s been two years since the decision to try and I finally know I can do this! Now it is down to my body and my little bean to keep going!

I’m sure there will be more updates to come soon but until then, stay safe and ciao for now!

So far, so good!

It’s 3 weeks since the wondrous 2 lines appeared on the test strip and already I am feeling the effects of that positive result. Other than the fact I keep getting a big grin on my face, emotions have been all over the place! Over the last 3 weeks I have had numerous dreams, many of which consist of me not actually being pregnant and finding it was all a mistake. I have taken two more pregnancy tests and they have both come back positive! But I don’t think I will be fully reassure until my early scan on Wednesday! I also seem to cry and the most random things, I have to be very careful what I watch on TV right now, Anne was not the best choice! Amazing programme but I think I went through a while box of tissues. The return of the Masked Singer is very welcome though! I really do love that programme!

As for early pregnancy symptoms… I am just happy they let me enjoy my Christmas dinner before hitting! I still consider myself quite lucky though. I have been feeling nauseous most of the time, but other that one day that’s all it’s been. I’m very limited on what I can stomach and, I’m not going to lie, cat food is NOT helping! The smell really turns my stomach but I can’t let my little ones miss out. So my diet pretty much consists of cheddar cheese and crackers, ready salted crisp sandwiches, carrots and hummus and baked potato with beans… sometimes with salad if I can stomach it! Coffee and fruit is out which makes me sad!

The other thing is, I am completely exhausted… all the time!! This growing a new human being is quite hard work! I find myself falling asleep on the sofa by about 7 in the evening and there have been a few occasions where I’ve actually gone to bed by about 8 as I just can’t keep my eyes open! I’ve even had a few afternoon naps which is something I never do unless I’m unwell! The cats certainly seem to enjoy the afternoon naps, we all end up snuggled up on the bed!

So, for now, all is going well. I am really nervous and really excited about the scan on Wednesday and I have my first midwife appointment booked for two weeks time. Things are really moving on! I have found I am feeling more anxious about covid and particularly going into crowded places. I feel really lucky to work in a school that feels very safe and my year 6 class are really sensible which really helps! I’m not going to lie though, the classroom is a bit on the chilly side with the windows open all the time!

Anyway, I’m getting tired again! Stay safe and ciao for now!

P.S. Please excuse any spelling and grammar mistakes… I’m really tired!

Well I didn’t get my 2 pink lines…..

I got 2 blue lines instead!

I am being incredibly cautiously optimistic as I know how early it all still is and still a risk of miscarriage. But for this morning I am enjoying the fact I can let myself believe more and more in the idea that I will be a mum.

So, at this point in time I am 4 weeks pregnant which means my little one is in fact incredibly little at the size of a poppy seed! In fact, we’re still not even at the fetus stage, the placenta is now forming and the embryo is being nourished by a yolk sac. Yes, you read that right human eggs have yolk too!

All this did not stop me having a little word with my growing embryo this morning about how proud I am it had got this far and to please keep going!

We still have a very long way to go and the risky days are still ahead. But for now I am pregnant and happy! Thank you for so much of your positivity! You are all amazing!!!!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

Today is the day

I am sat here in my bed unable to get up. I have had the longest two weeks waiting for this moment and now, I can’t do it!!!!

Whilst I sit here, there is every possibility that the answer goes my way. But once I pee on that stick, I can’t change it!

Even my cats are getting frustrated and meowing at me!!!

T-Day!

I had very little sleep last night and was wide awake about 5 this morning! I am actually glad they made my appointment earlier, I’m not sure I could have waited! I knew I needed a fairly full bladder so took my water bottle in the car, although I think I may have drunk a bit too much as I was desperate by the time I got there!

The procedure was very similar to IUI, it was uncomfortable but nothing compared to the egg retrieval! And I had a lovely surprise when the nurse doing the procedure was a midwife I used to work with. It was lovely to have someone I know and trust with me. The other surprise was when the embryologist came in and asked if I wanted to see a picture of my embryo. Not just some stock picture on the internet but mine. My potential baby. Right there on a piece of paper in front of me! My blastocyst, ready to be pot back into my uterus and hopefully attach itself to the uterine wall!

It never ceases to amaze me how incredible the whole process is, and bearing in mind how complex, how anyone gets pregnant! Babies really are little miracles. I must admit, I can’t stop looking at that picture! Most people get their first “baby” photo at their 12 weeks scan, but if everything goes to plan, that could be mine! Then I keep thinking something so tiny, that it can only be seen under a microscope, ends up as an adult! It blows my mind! Embryologists are my new heros!

So, in it went and now that little embryo is inside my uterus. Hopefully, in 2 days it will have hatched from its shell (oh yes, human eggs have shells too), and it will implant itself into the uterus, then in 5 days time the placenta will start to form. Insane! I am taking it easy today but from the research I have read it is good to get back to a normal routine. I wonder if my brain will feel that way after a morning with 6 year olds!

So, now for the dreaded 2 week wait! This is my fourth and they don’t get any easier, in fact, they get harder each time. Come on little embryo, do your thing!

Stay safe everyone and ciao for now!

It’s Friyay!!

Morning check in! Both embryos are now at the 8 cell stage, which apparently is bang on track. In fact I was told that one was top quality and one was very good, so I am currently a very proud wannabemummy!

Plan now is for transfer on Sunday morning so I just have to get through until then. Of course the major wait will be after that, waiting to find out if the embryo takes.

Come on little ones!

Emotions are all over the place. It doesn’t matter how many times you read or hear that IVF is hard, it isn’t until you are going through it you understand how hard. I swing from excitement to complete fear that it won’t work. And trying to distract yourself is pretty much impossible, no matter what you try your brain just springs back to the embryos! Even the cheesy Christmas movies aren’t working!

It’s also extremely hard seeing the news today about the little boy who was killed by his parents following continuous abuse. It makes me angry that these people have a child and take their miracle for granted by doing the most abhorrent things and then there are those of us who would do anything for a child who we can love and nurture. That child deserved parents who loved and cared for him and gave him the best start in life. It makes my blood boil. It also highlights what teachers were saying about lockdown preventing us from being able to look out for signs and help these children.

Please stay safe everyone and ciao for now.

Thursday check in!

All still going well! The embryologist phoned this morning and said that one embryo is at the two cell stage and one had developed to the 4 cell stage. I had to research this but it means all is on track at the moment! I am pretty much one big bag or nerves today. It also doesn’t help that the procedure on Tuesday has left me constantly feeling like I need to pee… normal apparently. However, I guess if this goes to plan that is a feeling I need to get used to!

Anyway, embryologist will phone again in the morning with another update. Please keep sending those positive vibes, they are working so far you lovely people!

Stay safe and ciao for now. x

Overnight update….

Both eggs fertilised!!!!! I have had so many massages of luck and positive thoughts that I feel so overwhelmed but they worked.

I know this is just another step forward and I now have to wait until tomorrow to see how they are progressing. But this morning I cried with relief, no upset.

The next stage is for the embryologists to decide whether to transfer tomorrow or Sunday. My job is to replace the progesterone lost during egg retrieval. Upside, not injections! I now move onto the vaginal gel (sorry if that is TMI but this is the journey peeps!).

For today, more hot water bottles, tea (decaf) and cuddles with the cats. And of course using positive thinking and the Law of Attraction! Come on little embryos!

Stay safe and ciao for now.

Emotional? No kidding! Warning, this may be TMI for some!

Today was the day, egg collection. After very little sleep last night and an early morning my wonderful Dad came an collected me and took me to the clinic. I was filled with hope, excitement, nerves and if I’m honest a touch of fear.

I knew I was first on the list because I had spoken to the clinic yesterday. I got in there, put the sexy gown on, went through the consent form again and all the things to look out for afterwards. I’m.not going to lie, it’s a lot to take in which is why it is good that they give it to you written down! Then off to theatre. Not that it is like any theatre I have been in… it’s about a quarter of the size and with 3 people, well, 4 including me! The embryologist is in the lab through a hatch and I confirmed who I was with her. Then onto the bed and cannula and sedative in.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know sedation is not anaesthesia and the idea is you remain awake but you hopefully forget. I can tell you, whilst the time seemed to go fairly quickly, I have not forgotten how uncomfortable and it was. Particularly when it came to the left ovary! I also remember hearing them say there was quite a bit more bleeding than expected. I managed to have a little snooze after but woken up in pain again and feeling very nauseous. I was expecting pain but not the nausea! Thank goodness for sick bowls!

I could hear others around me who had been in after me, drinking tea and eating biscuits and getting ready to go, whilst I was being given anti-sickness medication and getting a hot pad for the pain. I should probably admit now that I am not the best with pain and I am worse with vomiting. I have improved since having my gall bladder out and try and keep it in my head but as this is a tell all, well I am admitting it.

After a while I did start to feel better and the nurse asked me to go for a wee. It was when I stood up I realised the potential reason for feeling light headed. I had had another bleed. Decision made that i needed to stick around and be monitored. I had also needed a bit more oxygen as my SATs (blood oxygen levels) were a bit low.

I’m happy to say after another half hour or so I picked up and the bleeding slowed right down to a normal level. I was given the good to go. All that remained was to speak to the embryologist. I had already heard the lady next to me come back in after she had been told she had not had eggs recovered. But that wasn’t going to be me.

And it wasn’t. But it wasn’t the result unwanted, or had imagined in my head either. I had a good number of follicles on my scan but it turned out that only 2 had eggs. Ideally we wanted 10 to 15. Whilst I know it is quality not quantity, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. The embryologist was lovely and talked me through the next stages. Tomorrow morning they will look and see whether either of the eggs have fertilised. If one has I will be back in on Thursday for transfer. If both do (come on eggs) they will reassess on Thursday to see if they implant one that day or wait until Sunday.

So that was it. Time to go home. And it was when I got home the reality of the situation hit me. 2 are way better than none but it is still not great. And the emotions of the day hit. Basically, I cried. And cried! Thank goodness for friends and in particular the girls in my group who have been through it themselves. IVF really is a whirlwind of emotion. The hope, the optimism, the highs and the heartbreak.

I need to hold on to the fact I have 2 tiny little chances currently sat in a petri dish doing what they can for me. And I will snuggle here on my sofa with a hot water bottle (still hurts!) sending lots of positive vibes their way. And of course I will keep you updated.

Stay safe and ciao for now. Xx

Another scan closer…

Following 8 days of more injections, today was my next scan that measured the endometrium (lining of the uterus) and the follicles (if there are any) in my ovaries. I am so pleased to say that all is going well and I everything looks on track with around 16 follicles! Despite having a nasty cold on top of the continuing covid cough, I am feeling pretty excited! Can you tell from all the exclamation marks I am using?

I was feeling pretty exhausted this morning. I went on a road trip with some friends to see JLS in Manchester and having got home just before 3am I was feeling pretty ropey but my mood definitely picked up this afternoon!

So, I will have another scan on Friday and if all continues to go to plan I will have egg collection on Monday and transfer 5 days later! It feels like everything has been slow and now it’s full steam ahead. I am trying not to get too excited but sometimes it is hard no to! Just keeping my fingers crossed.

Stay safe and ciao for now!