Another delay!!!!

I was so hoping that I would be starting my IVF treatment this weekend but it was just not to be… again! I have to be honest this has been frustrating. I am really trying to take things as they come but I just feel like there is always something! Thyroid sorted, injections sat ready to go but sperm donor not approved in time to be shipped from Denmark to get to the clinic. It needed to arrive by Thursday and it is now arriving on Tuesday. I understand the clinic needs the samples to be there ready to go but I just wanted to start!

I now have to wait another month and then it’s over a week of the injections before egg collection, following egg collection the embryologists will put the eggs and the sperm in a petri dish and hope they do what they need to do. I spoke to the clinic and it turns out before I undergo IVF I need to do some online learning! It’s essentially videos that talk about the process. The idea is, that after the final trigger injection, they collect around 10-15 eggs, after looking at the eggs to see which are the right size, then trying to fertilise and then seeing which ones are viable I will possibly be left with 2 or 3 that could be put back.

This is such an emotional roller coaster, but the continuing support is incredible. It will be completely worth it in the end, I know it will! I just have to stay strong! I’ve got this!!!!!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

All systems go again!

Turns out emotions got the better of me after attempt number 3. Once again it was a failed attempt and although I felt ok about it, I think deep down it hit me much harder than I realised and I couldn’t bring myself to write about it. That was 2 months ago now and since then I have had a further appointment at the clinic and I am now going for IVF. It was never really a question of whether I would try IVF or not as I am still so desperate to have this baby. But, there are days when it is hard to be positive.

One thing that really helped me was meeting up with a group of other single mums who had been through the same thing. They all had gorgeous little ones and some had been through a similar journey to me but had finally got their bundles of joy… some of which were now school age! It was amazing and their support was invaluable. It definitely renewed my excitement and positivity.

I also made another decision this week and that was to tell the rest of my family and no longer keep it a secret. I realise that I need as much support as I can get and having such a wonderful family I needed them more than ever. I have been wanting to tell them for a while but I think the negative pregnancy tests after IUI stopped me. With hindsight I wish I had told them at the start! But hindsight it a wonderful thing! And so far, those family members I have told have been amazing and I can’t wait to share the rest of my journey with them. I am so lucky to have such a close amazing family.

So it’s time for IVF! It has been delayed slightly due to an increase in those pesky thyroid levels again, but today was the green light as they are at a good level thanks to a bit of re-jigging of medication. I have also picked donor number 2 and I am waiting for the order to arrive at the clinic. It was a lot harder this time as there appears to be an international shortage of donors due to the pandemic. As if it hasn’t caused enough problems over the last 18 months! I originally found a donor in the USA but having looked into the clinics over there, it appears they are not very strict on the limit of donor siblings so I decided to stick to Europe… I can’t stand the thought of having some weird donor sibling disaster in the future!

My last appointment was quite overwhelming. I knew about the injections I would have to give myself but I didn’t realise there was three different types! Thankfully they are prepared for us being completely overwhelmed and have an A4 sheet with the routine! I can see a lot of alarms and reminders being set in my not too distant future!

It’s funny, as someone who gives people injections on a regular basis, I am a little nervous about doing it to myself! I don’t really know why. I am also nervous about the side effects of the injections. The first one essentially puts your body through the menopause, so these are the symptoms you get. Well, if my mood swings are anything like I get every now and again with my periods, I can imagine I won’t see people until it’s over! Although the nurse said I’m more likely to cry than shout! If all goes to plan, I will be starting the injections at the end of the month. I will let you know as soon I as I have more info!

Thank you for continuing to be supportive, it feels amazing that I can now put my name to my blog!

Ciao for now and please stay safe!

x

Here we go again.

So, here I am for a third time, dat in my car waiting to go into the clinic. Since I last wrote I had another round of IUI followed by another negative test. I have had a roller coaster of emotions lately. With the first negative test being very closely followed by the disappearance of my cat who then appeared again not long after the second IUI, dehydrated and very hungry. I then had a second negative pregnancy test.

I wasn’t sure at this point whether I should give up on IUI and go for IVF but after a good chat with one of the nurses at the clinic I have decided on a third IUI before a rethink.

I then had the amazing news that my cousin was pregnant! I am so incredibly happy for her but coming just a few days after a negative test I also felt a bit emotional. It’s such a strange set of emotions. I have never been in a situation where something can make me so happy and so sad at the same time. But my happiness for her has outweighed my self-pity and I am looking forward to a new member of the family!!!

Whilst waiting for my next IUI my other cat obviously felt she wasn’t getting nearly enough attention and started bleeding everywhere! She has a problem with her blood not clotting properly and although she is on medication three times a day, for some reason she started having bleeds again. So two nights in the veterinary hospital for her and more worry for me!

I am happy to say she is home now and the bleeding has stopped . We are just waiting on test results to see if there is another reason other than her illness.

And that leads me to today. Sat in the car in very windy and rainy weather waiting to see if third time is a charm. It means a day off placement but sometimes you just have to prioritise and I know which is more important! I am just hoping my cervix is cooperative today! Last time was more painful than the first as my cervix didn’t want to let the catheter in! Not helpful!

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!

Stay safe and ciao for now. Xxx

T-Day

Well that felt like a very long two weeks. Weirdly, placement seemed to fly by but it feels like months since I went to the clinic for my treatment. Last night I just wanted to rip open the pregnancy test and find out. But I knew I needed to wait until this morning.

5am, I woke up this morning! But, now the time had come, I couldn’t do it! I had got “the fear”! So many thoughts started flying through my head: “What if it is negative? how will I feel? The chances are so low but there is still a chance.” or “What if it is positive? I am going to want to tell the world and the sun’s not up yet.”

After nearly an hour and a half of torturing myself I decided I needed to do the test and find out. I did 2 tests, one would take 3 minutes, the other 10.

Both tests said negative. My initial reaction was that this wasn’t a surprise, chances are incredibly low. But as the morning has gone on the emotions have come in waves. I have spoken to the few family and friends that know and they have been amazing and supportive. And of course the ladies on The Stork and I Mum Tribe, who have been through it themselves. Being a part of a community that has been there, or who are there themselves right now, is invaluable.

Today is for me and my emotions, my grief over what could have been, then I will move on and get ready for the next try. I will not give up. This is meant to be and will be.

Stay safe and ciao for now. x

This is getting excitedly real!

So after being giving the big yes by the main man that is my consultant, I have been peeing in a plastic cup and dipping in numerous ovulation testing sticks. The two apps I have predicted ovulation day as Monday, well that would be about right as that is the first day of my new placement! BUT, yesterday morning I had a line on one of the tests, but was it dark enough?! And It couldn’t be yesterday, I had a presentation for uni! Second opinions confirmed not dark enough but it was suggested I get the Clear Blue test as it gives you either a smiley face or no face, so easy to read! After my presentation I was off to the shop to get the new test for this morning.

Except I couldn’t wait until this morning and did a test last night before bed and… SMILEY FACE!!! Cue complete freak out, no sleep over night and getting up at 6am to do another one just to make sure I really did see a smiley face! I did! This time I took a photo so I could reassure myself. I’m not sure what I have turned into!

I left a message on the answer machine for the clinic and, after a call back, I am off. My emotions are all over the place. Is this really happening? And how on Earth am I going to cope with the next 2 weeks!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

What a Rollercoaster!

I really thought I would be coming on here with yet more bad news. After getting so close to my target TSH of 2.5 milliunits per litre before the new year, I was hopeful for my recent blood test. Only this time I had shot well past and I am now on 0.05! My heart sank and as the doctor discussed re-jigging my mediation I kept thinking to myself, “well here we go again for another 2 months”. I emailed the clinic with my current levels and told them I would be back in touch with the next blood test. Then I wrote in a chat group I am in and someone mentioned that they had a low TSH level but had been told they could go ahead. Well, I was straight on the phone to the clinic requesting a call back! Within just a couple of hours my consultant phoned me and asked bout medication and what the plan was. My heart sank yet again, then came the words I will never forget… “I am happy for us to go ahead and get started with your treatment, whenever you are ready!”. If I had been in the room with him, and we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, I could have kissed him! I sat there in shock for a few minutes then realised I needed to share my news! I was trembling as I wrote messages to my Mum , Dad and step-mum and to the amazing few friends who have been through my side every step of the way.

Of course the many possibilities of what would happen now started running through my head. I had already started planning the job hunting for the end of my PGCE, after all if I was going to have to wait another 2 months before the blood test it would be another month after that for the start of treatment so there was no question of getting a job. But now, well what IF I am one of the lucky ones, one of the 13 out of 100 38 year old women who it works for first time? But then what if I’m not, what if it takes 3 attempts, or what if IUI won’t work for me and I have to go down the IVF route. Well, I can’t be left without a job! Of course if I leave it the odds reduce to 10% once I hit 39 so that’s not an option! Then I realised that my next cycle is due to start any day which means I could potentially be getting treatment in the next 2-3 weeks!

To say my brain felt like it had taken a trip into a washing machine on a spin cycle was an understatement. Then came the feeling of wanting to tell the whole world. But having to calm myself down and remind myself that I only have a 13% chance of it working so let’s not ahead of ourselves! My cats honestly must have thought I had lost the plot as I started discussing potential scenarios with them! The joy of single life in a lockdown! Which leads me on to another thought… I will most likely have to go by myself for my treatment. I don’t know how I feel about this! The original plan was always that my mum would be there, but she is shielding. To be honest I always thought it might be a bit odd to have my Mum in the room, after all, your mum wouldn’t normally be in the room at the point of conception would she?! But then this isn’t “normal”, is it?

So, the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions continues! On top of which I have the small matter of uni lectures and assignments! I can’t help feeling this rollercoaster is going to be one of the longest of my life! But don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated of all the ups and downs along the way!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

So close!

What a Christmas it has been! We were very lucky to have a fairly normal Christmas even though my brother was on a deadline to get back to Wales before it closed!

I feel very blessed to have such an amazing family and friends who have been checking in with me to make sure I am not too lonely, it makes me realise despite not yet having children of my own I am still surrounded by people who love me.

Since I last wrote I have also had my offending tooth removed and my mouth is finally pain free… just in time for the Christmas turkey!

And of course the dreaded blood test.. something I have come to dread! I phoned today for the test result and… 2.8! Part of me wants to jump with joy and part of me wants to scream! So close to that 2.5 but still soooooo far! The clinic is closed for the Christmas break so I need to wait to speak to them next week but with treatment in touching distance, could 2021 be my year? Of course there is also the question of the covid vaccine? Not tested on pregnant women and not being anywhere on the list… should I wait for the vaccine???

It’s safe to say nothing is simple at the moment!

Happy Christmas (or any other holiday you celebrate) and Happy New Year!

Ciao for now.

Not my best day

Having not received my blood results by Friday I knew treatment this month was out. Gutting but just meant back to the original plan of December. Then, I got my test result.

Amazing how one small number can be so devastating. I need my TSH level to be 2.5, I have spent the last week picturing that number in my head. My phone call this morning told me that my TSH level is 5.8. That’s not even near 2.5.

6.3 to 5.8. I needed it to drop by 3.8, it dropped by 0.5. I booked a phone appointment for the GP this afternoon, put the phone down and cried. Then I went and bought the biggest chocolate Croissant the shop had. Then I came home and gave my cats a massive cuddle… they were ok with this to start with then decided it had gone on too long and really they just wanted to be outside!

Now, I have pulled myself together and I am trying to accept that December is unlikely to happen. In fact at this point I have decided not to set a goal. I am just going to focus on my thyroid doing the job it is meant to do.

To say this year had been shit would be an understatement!!! My family needs a boost, we need something positive. I really thought I could give that to them. It’s weird how I almost feel like I’m letting people down!

Please don’t get me wrong! I am not sinking into a deep depression! I have been there and this is nothing like that! I promise! I am just sad. I know I have said it before but when you get to this age the whole “clock is ticking” thing starts to feel VERY real. And therefore every month that passes is another loss.

My family lost someone very special last week. Someone, quite frankly, inspirational. I think part of me thought that if I could just give them a glimmer of something it would help with the pain. Not that I have told the majority of them about this. But I considered it. For the first time in a year I seriously considered telling the whole family.

But not now. Now I will wait. The reason I started this blog was to get my emotions out. I am an extremely emotional person! I have been known to cry at adverts! Putting it down in words is a way of helping me work out my feelings and emotions. So, today, writing this, I know I am grieving. Mostly for my amazing cousin but also for the baby that won’t be. BUT! I know it is another hurdle that I will cross, it might take a few attempts (and to be fair I was rubbish at hurdles in school!) but I will do it. I have amazing family and friends (even ones who have no idea) who are incredible at reminding me how lucky I am to have what I have and who support me and will continue to support me.

So, maybe not December, maybe not even January but it will happen. I just have to keep going and keep going until I get my dream. Until then I have a classroom of little people to keep me on my toes and a fair amount of uni work to keep me busy. Speaking of which… lecture time!!!

Stay safe and Ciao for now!

x

Fingers Firmly Crossed! 🤞

What a strange old time we are living in these days. Let’s face it, another lockdown has been on the cards for a while now and it has come as no surprise to me that it has finally arrived. It might be selfish to say but my first reaction was to check my fertility clinic’s website and check things hadn’t stopped again! So far… ALL GOOD!

I wrote a month or so ago to say that my progesterone had come back and showed a really good result, the excitement from that dwindled quite quickly as I was having to wait and take 6 weeks of thyroxine in the hope that my TSH level would come down to a reasonable level. I’m not sure where my brain got muddled but I was thinking that test was on the 7th November. Possibly the consequence of writing my first essay in many years. I had resigned myself to the earliest possible time to start treatment being December due to the fact I would have to wait for the result then contact the clinic on my next period , so they could prep the sperm sample, then test for my ovulation surge. With my period being due this weekend it was just not going to happen.

UNTIL… this weekend I received a text reminder for my blood test on 2nd November! Not only that Mother Nature has decided to give me one of my longer cycles and so far no sign that my period is intending to show up!!! So this morning I went off to my blood test, a nice early morning appointment to make sure I was home for lectures. Kudos to the nurse! I may have mentioned this before but I am renowned for being incredibly difficult to bleed. I have even been asked by the blood transfusion service not to come back as even when they do get a vein it point blank refuses to give enough blood to make my donation worth while! So imagine my surprise when the nurse sat me down, put the tourniquet on and drew a vile of blood within the space of around 2 minutes! Maybe, at 7:30 am, my veins hadn’t had a chance to wake up properly and realise they were supposed to play up! Or maybe… just maybe… things might be going my way?

The bad news came when the nurse told me it would take 2 WEEKS for my blood results to come back. Now, I have to be honest, her comment didn’t sink in until I was back at the car, I think I was still in shock! But then I did a delayed double take! 2 weeks?!?! Surely not! I don’t remember it taking that long last time, nor do I remember any blood test taking that long when I was a midwife. After stressing about it, I turned to a couple of amazing friends who instantly calmed me down and have suggest I phone after 2 days! I’m hoping that the nurse was also feeling the affects of the early morning start!

So now I am sitting here with my calendar in front of me working out the possibility of starting treatment THIS MONTH! It pretty much now comes down to one number! I need that number to be 2.5 or less. Whilst my essay has provided a good distraction, now that it is finished I can’t help thinking this will be the focus of my attention for the next 48 hours! And then, of course, I will be at placement on Wednesday! I can’t phone for results until after 11am, so in reality it will most likely be 4:30pm before I can phone!

This is all partly like things are really falling into place and partly like when I was standing on the edge of the Kawarau Bridge in 2002, waiting to jump off, attached to a giant elastic band! The baby dreams have returned this weekend and, once again, I see Mums with pushchairs everywhere.

For now, I will be continuing to employ the Law of Attraction, and focus on positive thoughts and visualise the number 2.5! I know some people will think it’s a load of rubbish but if there is even the remotest chance of it working, I’m there! 2.5 people, 2.5!!!

Ciao for now and stay safe!