Tag: mental health

I’m Back!

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

Wow, 9 months has flown by. Life has not exactly gone to plan. I left my job at Easter as it was negatively impacting my physical and mental health and more importantly was having a huge negative impact on my relationship with my little girl. I loved so many aspects of my job but in that line of work, if you don’t have support, it’s just unbearable. I miss the children but I lost so much confidence in myself and my teaching. I have now struggled to get a job since and that is hitting my confidence each time. The only thing that has kept me going is my daughter and the thought of having another little one. Oh and the two trips to Disneyland Paris helped! 😜

After my big fat negative in October, I was told time was of the essence to trying again. The plan was repeat bloods then get going. Only, it turned out my thyroid function tests showed I am now officially Hypothyroid. Sonic was now back to taking thyroxine and getting the TSH levels down. My TSH was 8 and had doubled from my previous tests a matter of months before. I needed the level to be below 4. Ideally, below 2.5! So, for the last 6 months I have been gradually increasing my thyroxine doses to get to the correct dose to bring it down. As of June, my levels are now down to 2.9.

My next hurdle was the fact that I had put on weight… and quite a bit too. I was eating my emotions again. So, I have been back at Slimming World so I can lose it again. So far I have lost half a stone and at my clinic appointment  last week I was told I was 100g over the weight limit… I knew I should have been to the loo before i was weighed!!!!

I have had an AMH blood test which is a test thst gives an indication of egg reserves. My AMH was 7. Now, I’ll be 100% honest, that means nothing to me but my consultant said it was good! I had a quick Google (something I do not usually advocate) and I found a chart that said average for my age is 6.4 so I guess 7 is good!

My next step now is to have my SW weigh in on Tuesday, then send the weight into the clinic. I was so sure that my tests were going to be terrible and that my appointment was going to be negative, I actually didn’t really take much else in and didn’t ask the question of when I could actually start! But I am hoping asap!

I’ve talking with her highness about whether she wants a brother or sister and she has been quite adamant she wants a brother. However, I found out that she had been telling people the other day I am having 2 babies!!!! I know I always said I wanted 3 but that would be a shock!

Anyway, speaking of her highness, I need to go and convince her it is bed time. Wish me luck!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

Emotional? No kidding! Warning, this may be TMI for some!

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

Today was the day, egg collection. After very little sleep last night and an early morning my wonderful Dad came an collected me and took me to the clinic. I was filled with hope, excitement, nerves and if I’m honest a touch of fear.

I knew I was first on the list because I had spoken to the clinic yesterday. I got in there, put the sexy gown on, went through the consent form again and all the things to look out for afterwards. I’m.not going to lie, it’s a lot to take in which is why it is good that they give it to you written down! Then off to theatre. Not that it is like any theatre I have been in… it’s about a quarter of the size and with 3 people, well, 4 including me! The embryologist is in the lab through a hatch and I confirmed who I was with her. Then onto the bed and cannula and sedative in.

Now don’t get me wrong, I know sedation is not anaesthesia and the idea is you remain awake but you hopefully forget. I can tell you, whilst the time seemed to go fairly quickly, I have not forgotten how uncomfortable and it was. Particularly when it came to the left ovary! I also remember hearing them say there was quite a bit more bleeding than expected. I managed to have a little snooze after but woken up in pain again and feeling very nauseous. I was expecting pain but not the nausea! Thank goodness for sick bowls!

I could hear others around me who had been in after me, drinking tea and eating biscuits and getting ready to go, whilst I was being given anti-sickness medication and getting a hot pad for the pain. I should probably admit now that I am not the best with pain and I am worse with vomiting. I have improved since having my gall bladder out and try and keep it in my head but as this is a tell all, well I am admitting it.

After a while I did start to feel better and the nurse asked me to go for a wee. It was when I stood up I realised the potential reason for feeling light headed. I had had another bleed. Decision made that i needed to stick around and be monitored. I had also needed a bit more oxygen as my SATs (blood oxygen levels) were a bit low.

I’m happy to say after another half hour or so I picked up and the bleeding slowed right down to a normal level. I was given the good to go. All that remained was to speak to the embryologist. I had already heard the lady next to me come back in after she had been told she had not had eggs recovered. But that wasn’t going to be me.

And it wasn’t. But it wasn’t the result unwanted, or had imagined in my head either. I had a good number of follicles on my scan but it turned out that only 2 had eggs. Ideally we wanted 10 to 15. Whilst I know it is quality not quantity, I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. The embryologist was lovely and talked me through the next stages. Tomorrow morning they will look and see whether either of the eggs have fertilised. If one has I will be back in on Thursday for transfer. If both do (come on eggs) they will reassess on Thursday to see if they implant one that day or wait until Sunday.

So that was it. Time to go home. And it was when I got home the reality of the situation hit me. 2 are way better than none but it is still not great. And the emotions of the day hit. Basically, I cried. And cried! Thank goodness for friends and in particular the girls in my group who have been through it themselves. IVF really is a whirlwind of emotion. The hope, the optimism, the highs and the heartbreak.

I need to hold on to the fact I have 2 tiny little chances currently sat in a petri dish doing what they can for me. And I will snuggle here on my sofa with a hot water bottle (still hurts!) sending lots of positive vibes their way. And of course I will keep you updated.

Stay safe and ciao for now. Xx

Celebrations and emotions.

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

Tomorrow will be my 21st injection of Buserelin and my first scan to check it is doing its job. It’s been a pretty rough few weeks. Not because of the injections but I have potentially had covid! I say potentially because despite 3 negative PCRs I was one of the 63,000 who then recieved a text to say they potentially had a false negative!

6 weeks ago it started with a temperature, sore throat, headache and general aches so I took a PCR and it was negative. A few days later the cough and breathlessness started. I spoke to the GP who advised me to get another PCR but to get to A&E if my breathing got any worse. Negative. I started to improve but he cough and pain in my chest and back persisted. I went back to work, even managed a netball match and thought all was good. Then one night, my breathing got worse again, temperature went up to 38.5 degrees and I felt like I had been hit by a bus. 2 and a half weeks after that my breathing has improved again, I can actually walk around my house and not have to stop. But now, I feel I could sleep as much as my cats do!

My biggest concern was my IVF. I was terrified that it would get delayed again. If it was this time last week there is no way I would consider the scan tomorrow but I now feel like I am good to go!

So tomorrow, on my 39th birthday, I will be scanned to check the thickness of the lining of my uterus. If all goes well I will be given the go ahead to add the next injection into my daily routine.

39… another reason I do not want any more delay to the process. That’s 1 year until I am 40. I didn’t mind being in my 30s, obviously 20s were the best but that number 4 feels like it has HUGE significance, particularly when it comes to having children. 40… that’s the age that children start thinking you are ancient! I remember being a child and thinking 40 was so far I the future it would never happen. But now it is just 365 days and 3 hours away.

I don’t feel it. I still feel 21. Ok, so my joints creak a bit more and last year I had to call and ambulance when I got stuck on the floor because my back had gone into spasm… but deep down, I just don’t feel like 40 is so close. I know I am going tosound like my grandmother now but seriously, where did my life go?!

It’s usually this day every year I sit and ruminate on time and how cruel it is that we can’t go back. Although, if like me you watch science fiction, you know that time travel could cause all sorts of issues of its own!

Anyway, I digress! This is not a science fiction blog… this is a blog about a woman in her late 30s who is facing her biological clock which seems to be ticking at an ever increasing rate! Had things gone to plan with IUI number 1, I would be 8 months pregnant by now. But it was not to be. So here is to IVF, positive thoughts and another birthday!

Stay safe everyone and ciao for now. Xxx

Apologies for any spelling or grammar errors… I really am exhausted!

Here we go again.

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single women, mental healthLeave a comment

So, here I am for a third time, dat in my car waiting to go into the clinic. Since I last wrote I had another round of IUI followed by another negative test. I have had a roller coaster of emotions lately. With the first negative test being very closely followed by the disappearance of my cat who then appeared again not long after the second IUI, dehydrated and very hungry. I then had a second negative pregnancy test.

I wasn’t sure at this point whether I should give up on IUI and go for IVF but after a good chat with one of the nurses at the clinic I have decided on a third IUI before a rethink.

I then had the amazing news that my cousin was pregnant! I am so incredibly happy for her but coming just a few days after a negative test I also felt a bit emotional. It’s such a strange set of emotions. I have never been in a situation where something can make me so happy and so sad at the same time. But my happiness for her has outweighed my self-pity and I am looking forward to a new member of the family!!!

Whilst waiting for my next IUI my other cat obviously felt she wasn’t getting nearly enough attention and started bleeding everywhere! She has a problem with her blood not clotting properly and although she is on medication three times a day, for some reason she started having bleeds again. So two nights in the veterinary hospital for her and more worry for me!

I am happy to say she is home now and the bleeding has stopped . We are just waiting on test results to see if there is another reason other than her illness.

And that leads me to today. Sat in the car in very windy and rainy weather waiting to see if third time is a charm. It means a day off placement but sometimes you just have to prioritise and I know which is more important! I am just hoping my cervix is cooperative today! Last time was more painful than the first as my cervix didn’t want to let the catheter in! Not helpful!

Please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!

Stay safe and ciao for now. Xxx

Fingers Firmly Crossed! 🤞

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

What a strange old time we are living in these days. Let’s face it, another lockdown has been on the cards for a while now and it has come as no surprise to me that it has finally arrived. It might be selfish to say but my first reaction was to check my fertility clinic’s website and check things hadn’t stopped again! So far… ALL GOOD!

I wrote a month or so ago to say that my progesterone had come back and showed a really good result, the excitement from that dwindled quite quickly as I was having to wait and take 6 weeks of thyroxine in the hope that my TSH level would come down to a reasonable level. I’m not sure where my brain got muddled but I was thinking that test was on the 7th November. Possibly the consequence of writing my first essay in many years. I had resigned myself to the earliest possible time to start treatment being December due to the fact I would have to wait for the result then contact the clinic on my next period , so they could prep the sperm sample, then test for my ovulation surge. With my period being due this weekend it was just not going to happen.

UNTIL… this weekend I received a text reminder for my blood test on 2nd November! Not only that Mother Nature has decided to give me one of my longer cycles and so far no sign that my period is intending to show up!!! So this morning I went off to my blood test, a nice early morning appointment to make sure I was home for lectures. Kudos to the nurse! I may have mentioned this before but I am renowned for being incredibly difficult to bleed. I have even been asked by the blood transfusion service not to come back as even when they do get a vein it point blank refuses to give enough blood to make my donation worth while! So imagine my surprise when the nurse sat me down, put the tourniquet on and drew a vile of blood within the space of around 2 minutes! Maybe, at 7:30 am, my veins hadn’t had a chance to wake up properly and realise they were supposed to play up! Or maybe… just maybe… things might be going my way?

The bad news came when the nurse told me it would take 2 WEEKS for my blood results to come back. Now, I have to be honest, her comment didn’t sink in until I was back at the car, I think I was still in shock! But then I did a delayed double take! 2 weeks?!?! Surely not! I don’t remember it taking that long last time, nor do I remember any blood test taking that long when I was a midwife. After stressing about it, I turned to a couple of amazing friends who instantly calmed me down and have suggest I phone after 2 days! I’m hoping that the nurse was also feeling the affects of the early morning start!

So now I am sitting here with my calendar in front of me working out the possibility of starting treatment THIS MONTH! It pretty much now comes down to one number! I need that number to be 2.5 or less. Whilst my essay has provided a good distraction, now that it is finished I can’t help thinking this will be the focus of my attention for the next 48 hours! And then, of course, I will be at placement on Wednesday! I can’t phone for results until after 11am, so in reality it will most likely be 4:30pm before I can phone!

This is all partly like things are really falling into place and partly like when I was standing on the edge of the Kawarau Bridge in 2002, waiting to jump off, attached to a giant elastic band! The baby dreams have returned this weekend and, once again, I see Mums with pushchairs everywhere.

For now, I will be continuing to employ the Law of Attraction, and focus on positive thoughts and visualise the number 2.5! I know some people will think it’s a load of rubbish but if there is even the remotest chance of it working, I’m there! 2.5 people, 2.5!!!

Ciao for now and stay safe!