I can’t believe a year ago I was giving myself injections waiting to find out when my egg collection would be, if I would even get any eggs! And now, I am sat in a coffee shop with my 13 week old daughter… I have a daughter!!! I still have to pinch myself! Admittedly I was hoping said daughter was going to be asleep but instead she is laughing at me making funny faces. I am sat in a public place making funny faces with people looking and I don’t care! OK, I’m writing this at the same time but I am a mum now and mums multi-task!

I’m going to say it… I love being a mum!!! It is everything I thought it would be and so much more. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it’s easy! Heck no! But it was worth every injection, every palpitation, every contraction, in fact every pain and every stitch. I would do it again in a heartbeat. In fact, I’m already thinking about it! Don’t panic! I am not intending on phoning the clinic for round two just yet, but having just hit the big 4 0, I’m contemplating the options!

Of course I have to face the big hurdle of going back to work! Again, not yet. The idea of leaving that little smiley face is unbearable but I do miss the classroom. I’m already looking at jobs coming up but I can’t bring myself to apply for them as they all start in January and there is no way I can leave her so soon. I feel so lucky to live in a country that appreciates the time a new parent needs with their child. For all the governments faults, our maternity leave is still pretty good!

So what is my life like as a solo mum? Well, I spend more time in coffee shops than I thought I would. I spend a lot of time with a baby attached to my boobs and I have indigestion from trying to eat a meal before the screaming starts… I swear, the moment I think about eating, no matter what she’s doing she will want my attention! But, I don’t mind. I’m learning the art of eating one handed… oh and only eating food that needs to be cut with a knife when I’m with other people! I’ve been living off sandwiches, toast and salad. I’ll admit more of the bread based than the veg based options so far!!

I feel tired, all the time! No matter how much sleep I get, I wake up tired. I had a joyous night of 10 hours sleep, still felt tired the next day! (By the way, I am not ignoring her, she has gone to sleep!) I contemplate copious amounts of coffee but I limit myself to two caffeinated cups a day, then I try and fool myself with decaf! It doesn’t work.

Showering is another thing I try and do at breakneck speed… almost literally the other day when I slipped! Reflexes seem to be pretty good at the moment and I managed to hold on to the wall. Not sure Lil has mastered the art of the 999 call yet, nor the cats! The interesting thing is Lily’s reaction after I shower. She screams! It’s like she objects to me being clean! I have tried using the same stuff that I use on her but she still screams. Sorry kid, but mummy is not sacrificing her personal hygiene so I smell right… well not anymore anyway. That was OK in the first few weeks but not now I’m back out in public!

One thing I do love though, I only need ro wash my hair once or twice a week. This is alien to me as I have always had to wash my hair every other day or it looks like I’ve taken a shower at the petrol station. Now, I can freshen up with some dry shampoo and all is well. Not so keen on the clumps that are coming out though. Every silver lining has a cloud!

I have spent a lot of time watching TV! Whenever I would sit to breastfeed, I would put the TV on. I still used to the time to connect with Lil, but as soon as she falls asleep, and that is pretty quick, I need something to occupy me. So I got through the whole of The Big Bang Theory, started Downton Abbey and Call The Midwife from the begining, rediscovered NCIS and found a new series on Netflix with Tia from Sister Sister. But I decided I should use the time a bit more wisely and downloaded Duolingo and am trying to brush up on my French and learn some Spanish! I’ll let you know how it goes! I’m on day 10 so far!

Now that Lily is sleeping less and needing more stimulation, I am looking for things to do with her. I just wish things didn’t cost money! I’ve been asked what I want for Christmas and I am thinking money for groups and classes. My direct debits for my fuel are seven times more than they were two years ago. And I have barely had the heating on this year. Food costs seem to increase weekly, at least Lily is free at the moment but it won’t be long before she’s on solids and I need to provide more than just toast! Insurance prices have gone up, my pet insurance has doubled. Although, this isn’t a massive shock, considering one if my fur babies has a problem with clotting. Having them as house cats seems to have helped though, no major bleeds lately… touch wood! (Yes, I did touch the wooden table I am sat at!)

I hadn’t intended on writing about money, but I guess it’s on the forefront of most people’s minds these days.

So, no things aren’t easy. But I wouldn’t change them. I have the cutest little girl in my life. How she came from me is beyond me! She really is adorable. I am obviously biased but I have had many strangers stop me and tell me so it must be true! Well, the bundle of cuteness has now woken up so I must return to my motherly duties and start pulling faces again!

Stay safe and ciao for now.

When you’re not sleeping!

I can’t believe it’s been 6 weeks since my little miracle came into my world. I’ve been meaning to write and tell you all what happened but I’ve been somewhat preoccupied! So, here I am, little lady is in her chair currently settled and I can tell you about the last few weeks!

The last time I wrote it was a waiting game. My waters had well and truly gone and I was hoping for things to happen. I started contracting but they were irregular. This went on overnight and throughout the next day. I was examined and was 3cm but, becuase it was over 24 hours since waters breaking, the plan was to take me down to the delivery suite so I could have the hormone drip to get things going.

I had to wait due to delivery suite being busy but I finally made it down there. I was contracting about once or twice every 10 minutes so not enough. After using the TENS machine on the ward, the contractions were now more intense and it wasn’t cutting the mustard. I called my Mum and she came in and I finally gave in and embraced the gas and air. Oh I do love that stuff!

When you are on delivery suite, your observations are taken regularly. Mine showed I had a temperature and my heart rate was up, every for me. These were signs of a possible infection so I given antibiotics and paracetamol. After a while I was examined and I was still only 3-4cm so, after seeing the obstetrician, it was decided we were definitely going for the oxytocin drip. Having been a midwife, I knew that meant the contractions would be a LOT more intense, so I asked for an epidural!

Before the epidural the doctor checked baby’s heartbeat to make sure things were OK and then the anaesthetist came in and the epidural was sited. After half an hour I could no longer feel the contractions. The only problem now was baby wasn’t looking quite so happy. The obstetrician came back in and decided to examine me to see if anything had progressed. I was still only 4 cm and the baby’s heart rate didn’t increase during the examination, which isn’t what you want. If you think about it, if someone started touching you on the top of the head without warning, your heart rate would increase. I knew what this meant, the trace was classed as pathological and baby needed to be born, I looked at my Mum and said, “c-section”. The obstetrician then said she felt it was best to go for c-section! I was obviously gutted but I knew what was best and said, let’s do it. I was what is classed as a category 2 section, urgent but we had time. Fortunately, there was no one else waiting so we were able to go straight to theatre.

Now the problem was, as the epidural had not long been put in, there was a big chance that it wouldn’t work well enough for the section, which would mean a general anaesthetic. The anaesthetist tried to top up the epidural and when he tested to see what I could feel, all seemed good. That was until the operation started. I was told I would feel tugging bit shouldn’t feel pain… I felt pain! The op was stopped and the anaesthetist tried again to top up the epidural but as soon as they restarted, I could feel it. It was stopped again and this time, it was decided to go for a general anaesthetic. It felt like another kick in the teeth but all I could think was how important it was my baby was delivered safely.

Because we were now going for a general anaesthetic, my Mum could no longer stay, so she was taken back to the labour room. Next thing I knew there was a second anaesthetist! For some reason I was feeling incredibly sleepy, I hadn’t had the anaesthetic yet. The last thing I remember is the second anaesthetist telling me to keep my eyes open. The next thing I remember is someone asking if I wanted my glasses and then seeing my Mum and midwife coming into recovery with a cot. Apparently,the first thing I said was,”What have I got?” 🤣 So many people had told me they thought I was having a boy I was genuinely shocked when my Mum told me I had a girl!! She was put into my arms and, after days of questioning my choice of names, I knew I had my Lilian. I have heard about that rush of love when you see your baby for the first time, despite the anaesthetic, I felt it! Here was a tiny human being who was completely dependent on me and I would do anything for her. The midwife asked if I wanted to try feeding. I was worried that the anaesthetic would affect her feeding. It turned out I didn’t need to, she fed for a full 40 minutes. It looked like she was already taking after her mum!

I stayed in hospital for a few days which was ideal becuase it gave us a chance to get to know each other. Having a new baby is a massive learning curve, for both! After the initial epic feed, it was than hit or miss as to how she fed. Plus she wanted to be on me all the time. When you are in hospital, you need to put baby in the cot if you feel like you are going to fall asleep… easier said than done when she won’t sleep in the cot and you are so tired you can’t keep your eyes open!

I genuinely can’t thank everyone at the hospital enough, I was so well looked after. And then I went and stayed with my Dad and stepmum where I was also looked after! I only had to think about Lily and what she needed! Food and drink appeared from nowhere! It was amazing.

Things haven’t been plain sailing though. At the end of the first week I felt shivery and had a temperature. It turned out I had an infection in my section wound. (Warning for anyone with a weak stomach) The infection was really quite nasty, it wasn’t just oozing, it was dripping with ick. Now, when I was a midwife I could deal with anything, turns out not so much when it’s me! I couldn’t even look at it! After a visit from the midwife, I visited my third hospital and was given more antibiotics and advised to put a sanitary towel on the wound both for the ick but also to stop the two sides adhering together. It’s taken a few week but my wound is now finally better!

One of the best things over the last few weeks has been introducing Lily to her family. We had an amazing lunch with one side of the family and then we had a beautiful wedding where, having said I wouldn’t be dancing, we spent most of our night on the dance floor! Admittedly, she slept through most of it! Proof that loud noise doesn’t wake her up when she’s sleeping!

The last six weeks have shot past but at the same time I can’t imagine life without my little bundle of gorgeousness! I have forgotten what it was like to be able to eat food when it was hot; being able to go straight back to sleep when you wake up in the night; having a shower without shouting, “it’s OK, Mummy’s nearly finished”; playing white noise at night in the hope it might help with getting a little extra sleep; and doing washing every day! I wouldn’t change it for anything. I feel like things are finally as they are meant to be. I have the most beautiful, perfect little girl. I am so in love. I am so exhausted but when we are in bed at 3am and I have my baby feeding in my arms with my two fur babies lying next to us, life feels complete.

Well, it has taken me pretty much all day to write this! I’m sure there are probably things I have forgotten to mention. Baby brain is real! For now I am going to try and grab something to eat before she wakes up again!!

As always everyone, stay safe and ciao for now. Xxx