I have just come back from my brother’s birthday party. I was partly looking forward to it but also dreading it, as I always do when catching up with everyone. Because of our ages pretty much everyone there is settled with kids and I usually come away feeling depressed. I love talking to people about their kids but there is always that emptiness.

Tonight I had a feeling of hope.

Tonight I was able to talk to an expectant mum and not feel overwhelming jealousy.

Tonight, although I couldn’t say it to everyone, I didn’t feel like an outsider! Okay, I’m not married and the man who I will hopefully be having a baby with is not walking into the room with me, but there is now a chance that this time next year I could be the one with the baby bump.

I keep telling myself it might not happen but it’s that feeling again, the one I’m not used to.

Hope.

Tonight it overwhelmed me in a way I wasn’t expecting.

I have had a tough week. I have been an emotional wreck. My mood has been swinging like one of those Newton’s cradles. I have felt quite frankly, like shit. I nearly didn’t go tonight. I had almost talked myself out of it. But both my brothers are so important to me and I couldn’t miss such an important occasion. And I am so glad I went!

Happy birthday big brother, thank you for giving me an amazing evening, just by having a birthday!