Late Night Thoughts

I seem to have a lot going on in my head tonight. It’s safe to say that the majority of my time is spent thinking, talking and dreaming about IUI and what will happen. Even down to looking at my 2 gorgeous kittens and thinking, “one day you will have to take a back seat”.

One of the things I am thinking about is my appointment yesterday. It went really well, I have a healthy uterus, it looks like I have a good number of follicles, my bloods were good (I had convinced myself they weren’t) and my superstar consultant was really positive.

But I am a pessimist. I hate to admit it because I want to believe I am an optimist but unfortunately to me the glass is half empty. I keep thinking something is going to go wrong. My AMH test will surely show I actually have a crap egg reserve, or my fallopian tubes are blocked and we don’t know because you can’t see that on a scan.

I have absolutely NO reason to think these things… but I do.

One thing I do know is I am meant to be a Mum. I think I’ve said this before. It’s in my DNA. The women in my family have shown me what good mothers are… not just in my DNA but I have other amazing mother figures in my life, my stepmum for example. So I know I have got this… but what if I don’t! What if I have built myself up to being a good mum and then I fail?

When I decided to do this I knew I would go on an emotional rollercoaster but I never realised the self-analysis I would go through. I spend my days looking after other people’s children and I am damn good at my job. But they are not mine, I am a carer for 6 hours of their day. I cannot wait for someone to depend on me 24/7 but will I be good enough?

I assume women go through this when they conceive in the “normal” way but you are under so much more scrutiny when you make a conscious decision to be a single mum. People question you at every turn. And I guess, rightly so. Except, this is not a decision we single women have taken lightly or jumped to. We have thought about it, ignored it, cried over it so to be questioned over and over again is draining. We love people for caring but what we want is support and love. At the same time we want people to talk to us and not each other. I say we, I probably shouldn’t talk for others but I have heard this from some so am generalising.

What I really want right now is a crystal ball. I want to know what will happen. But then that would take away the excitement. My thoughts are so contradictory. And again I cannot sleep from thinking about it! But I will try! Goodnight all!

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