Tag: single woman

And again…

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

So, after a roller coaster week, it is once again not happening. I’m cross with myself as I caved and tested early this time and on Sunday, I had a faint line on the test. I started to feel this was it and I let myself get excited. I even checked with friends that I wasn’t imagining things. I repeated tests on Monday and Tuesday and both negative. Hope very rapidly disappeared. Official test day was Wednesday and there was the faintest of lines but after another test today, and looking good back, it would appear that was most likely an evaporation line.

Heartbroken feels an understatement right now but I’ve been here before. I can’t describe the yearning and need for another child and now, in my 40s, I’m starting to think I shouldn’t have waited, but then again, I wouldn’t have the gorgeous threenager sitting next to me.

I need to process, then move on. I have no more sperm from the donor and he is no longer available so we really are back to square one! We are having a family weekend and I just want to try and enjoy that. I have had people say, “But you have your little girl now, so it’s not so bad” and to an extent I guess they are right but I just don’t feel complete I feel I have so much love to give. I actually can’t find the words to describe it.

Anyway, her Ladyship needs to go to bed and it won’t happen whilst I’m sat here!

Stay safe and ciao for now.

Highs, Lows, long waits and unbelievable emotions!

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

Sorry! I have had a few messages from people who have been patiently waiting for updates on progress and I admit everything got a bit much there for a while! Not just with the upset of the end of last year but then Christmas, her ladyship and I tag-teaming bugs and desperately job hunting!

Long story short, I tried again in January but unfortunately the round had to be cancelled which turned out for the best as I ended up with a chest infection and lovely temperature. Having a temperature can affect implantation so maybe things do happen for a reason. I started back on the injections (her ladyship was very happy about this), then onto the oestrogen tablets, then after a successful scan with a beautiful looking endometrium, it was onto the progesterone pessaries. Last week, I had a double embryo transfer and I am now in the dreaded 2 week wait.

It was decided to transfer the remaining 2 embryos after 2 failed transfers, age and the fact that these 2 had been slow burners and took an extra day to get to blastocyst stage. There are risks of multiple pregnancy but it was a case of weighing up the odds. There is also the increasing cost of medication, and the more cycles I go through so after a chat with my consultant, we decided to get both in there and hope for the best.

The day before my transfer, I had a progesterone blood test and it showed my progesterone was a little low so I now have the joy of 6 pessaries a day… yes you read that right, 6!

I don’t know whether I just forget how hard I found it on the previous cycle but I feel like the anxiety gets worse with each one. I am having ridiculous vivid dreams and I can’t get to sleep with my brain racing. Even my nighttime routine of listening to Stephen Fry reading Harry Potter is not helping! (I am currently on round 3 of the series!). This time, I am absolutely exhausted as well! Possibly down to not sleeping! 

The temptation to do a test early is insane this time. I am such a stickler for sticking to the 2 weeks but I am really struggling not to try. I intentionally haven’t bought a test yet just to stop myself. And the mood swings and nausea seem worse this time! The progesterone really is kicking my backside!

Anyway, I’m off to listen to Goblet of Fire and hopefully get some sleep before work tomorrow!

Sorry for the quick run down. Any questions, please do message and ask!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

What a roller coaster!

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Since I last wrote, things have been an emotional roller coaster. Having gone from 7 eggs ton5 embryos, the phone call on Friday was to say that we had 1 grade 2 embryo (scale 1 to 4 with 1 being best), 1 was grade 2/3 and 3 were grade 3.

Then yesterday, after a game of phone tag, I received a message to say that 1 embryo was where it should be on day 3 whilst the others were behind and a little suboptimal for day 3. Whilst it wasn’t a failure there was a feeling of dread that things had been so positive but were staring to fade.

This morning  the news was very similar but the embryo that is most likely for transfer is also slowing in its progress so I now have to wait for a phone call in the morning to let me know if is a go or not. They are giving the others time to catch up so we will see. I’m holding on to the hope that they will make it but I can honestly say that this is the most anxious I have felt throughout the whole fertility process. Probably not helped bybthe progesterone I am taking!!

Anyway, stay safe and ciao for now.

Egg collection.. success!

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

Well, the early start was definitely more stressful than the last time, due to running around after a 3 year old who was adamant she was not going to get ready and if she was it would absolutely be in her own time! After dropping her ladyship off at my wonderful friend’s and being chauffeur driven by my dad, I was treated to a very enjoyable nap even if it was preceded by a not so enjoyable procedure. I was given  a lovely concoction of paracetamol, diclofenac, fentanyl and medazolam. The procedure went smoothly, I have vague memories of being uncomfortable but the more the day has gone on the less I remember.

As I said before, I was really anxious this time after getting just 2 eggs first time round. I even dreamt last night that we didn’t get anything. So, when the doctor came to tell me they had collected 7 eggs, I had to double check that I had heard correctly!

Now, I know that they still have to go through the fertilisation process and the chances are, they won’t all make it but at the moment, I am feeling a bit more positive!

It’s now 8 hours after the procedure and it is safe to say, the good meds are running out and I am somewhat uncomfortable. And obviously, this means my gorgeous daughter wants to lie on me and dig elbows and shoulders right where it hurts!!

It’s weird to think that, right now, those eggs are in a petri dish and the little swimmers are trying to do their thing! I will get a phone call in the morning with an update. Due to a good progesterone result we are on for embryo transfer on Monday, assuming all goes well over the next few days. So, fingers and toes are crossed!!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

And another scan done!

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So, second monitoring scan done today and it showed I have 4 follicles in the left ovary and 3 in the right (these are just the follicles, we won’t know about eggs until collection). They are not quite ready yet so another scan on Monday, then hopefully egg collection on Wednesday!

All very good signs but I’m still very anxious about it all. Probably ly not helped by the nice little abscess I have on my boob! It was a late night last night trying to get antibiotics! There is also the stress of moving!!! What is it they say, it never rains, it pours!!! Not sure who they are but they’re right!

Just staying positive!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

First step…

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Today has been implant day! So, this morning we went off to the clinic to have my Zoladex implant. I had to take madam with me as I stupidly hadn’t arranged anyone to have her. I don’t like taking her to the clinic purely because I don’t want to upset anyone. But, I also want her to see that injections and blood tests are OK. In fact, she’s so used to them now, she holds the bottles for the nurses!

Getting out the house was the usual struggle this morning as she didn’t want to get up, then didn’t want to go for a week, didn’t want to get dressed and then wanted to face forward in the car. This last caused a major meltdown and meant a lot of deep breathing from me! It doesn’t matter how many times I explain that facing backwards is safer, she still wants to face me. We have a mirror so she can see me but she kicked that in frustration and then got cross because she couldn’t see me!!! All fun and games.

Anyway, we got to the clinic and I must confess I didn’t really know what to expect from the implant but I thought it was probably going to sting. In actual fact, it was absolutely fine and I barely felt it. It was over very quickly and we were back in the car 15 minutes after arriving and on our way home! It’s been over 2 hours now and nothing at all. I am just waiting to see if I get the joyous pseudo-menopause side effects!

I now have to wait 2 weeks for my scan which can only happen assuming I have had/are having a bleed otherwise I will need another drug.

Watch this space!

Stat safe and ciao for now!

Edit: I forgot to mention, her ladyship is currently cross with me because we didn’t bring a new baby home with us!

I’m Back!

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Wow, 9 months has flown by. Life has not exactly gone to plan. I left my job at Easter as it was negatively impacting my physical and mental health and more importantly was having a huge negative impact on my relationship with my little girl. I loved so many aspects of my job but in that line of work, if you don’t have support, it’s just unbearable. I miss the children but I lost so much confidence in myself and my teaching. I have now struggled to get a job since and that is hitting my confidence each time. The only thing that has kept me going is my daughter and the thought of having another little one. Oh and the two trips to Disneyland Paris helped! 😜

After my big fat negative in October, I was told time was of the essence to trying again. The plan was repeat bloods then get going. Only, it turned out my thyroid function tests showed I am now officially Hypothyroid. Sonic was now back to taking thyroxine and getting the TSH levels down. My TSH was 8 and had doubled from my previous tests a matter of months before. I needed the level to be below 4. Ideally, below 2.5! So, for the last 6 months I have been gradually increasing my thyroxine doses to get to the correct dose to bring it down. As of June, my levels are now down to 2.9.

My next hurdle was the fact that I had put on weight… and quite a bit too. I was eating my emotions again. So, I have been back at Slimming World so I can lose it again. So far I have lost half a stone and at my clinic appointment  last week I was told I was 100g over the weight limit… I knew I should have been to the loo before i was weighed!!!!

I have had an AMH blood test which is a test thst gives an indication of egg reserves. My AMH was 7. Now, I’ll be 100% honest, that means nothing to me but my consultant said it was good! I had a quick Google (something I do not usually advocate) and I found a chart that said average for my age is 6.4 so I guess 7 is good!

My next step now is to have my SW weigh in on Tuesday, then send the weight into the clinic. I was so sure that my tests were going to be terrible and that my appointment was going to be negative, I actually didn’t really take much else in and didn’t ask the question of when I could actually start! But I am hoping asap!

I’ve talking with her highness about whether she wants a brother or sister and she has been quite adamant she wants a brother. However, I found out that she had been telling people the other day I am having 2 babies!!!! I know I always said I wanted 3 but that would be a shock!

Anyway, speaking of her highness, I need to go and convince her it is bed time. Wish me luck!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

Here we go again!

On By wannabemummy82In Fertility for single womenLeave a comment

Well, it’s my birthday today. 42 years old! I was so hoping for some amazing news on my birthday but sadly not to be.

I haven’t written this time for a few reasons but 2 weeks ago I had a frozen embryo transfer with my 2nd and last embryo. Anyone who has been on the two week wait will tell you, it is the longest two weeks of your life… it even feels longer than the current 8 week term!

I was back on injections, then injections and tablets then tablets and pessaries. Honestly, IVF is so glamorous! Friday finally came, test day. And a work day! 5am came round and I was lying in bed awake. I had been waiting two weeks and just like last time, I couldn’t bring myself to do the test. But unlike last time, I had a sick , negative feeling. 5:30, with her ladyship asleep next to me , I finally got out of bed. And my biggest fear happened. Just 1 line. I did a second test just to be sure. Nothing.

I actually can’t describe the feeling of looking at those tests and knowing it’s over. It’s grief. It’s not like after the negative tests with IUI because this was actually a fertilised embryo… half the process had been done. It’s a loss. And it hurts like a loss.

I was worried about going into work but actually it helped. I have an amazing job with an amazing team and amazing children. They didn’t realise it butbthey really helped. And of course, I have an amazing young lady who puts a smile on my face. She got me through a bereavement earlier on in the year and now she is getting me through this one.

My family is not complete and I am.not giving up just yet. Although, watching her destroy my living room right now, I do wonder how much destruction would be done with two!!! 🙈

So, not the birthday I was hoping for but I get to spend it with a funny, silly, beautiful 2 year old. Thank you baby girl!

And just like that…

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She’s 2!!! Time really does fly by! I’ve heard people say the new born phase is the hardest… I would disagree! It’s exhausting but compared with the stubborn toddler phase, it was a breeze! She gets everywhere and into everything, she’s very bossy and very stubborn! And I love her more than anything!

We are going through a phase of refusing to nap, then being grumpy and emotional because of being so tired. She’s not at the age where you can explain that a nap would make it better so it’s a case of pushing through! And let’s face it, I can’t really complain, she basically me in toddler form!

Her personality is really shining through now, she loves music, swimming, gymnastics and playing with her friends. She has the most amazing laugh as well, a real belly laugh! It’s adorable! She changes her food tastes on an hourly basis, which makes shopping and cooking a nightmare! She takes after me and loves all things Disney, particularly Stitch!

I feel so privileged to be her mum and so proud of the person she is turning into. She drives me potty but I wouldn’t change a hair on her head because she’s mine!

That’s probably why I’m thinking about number 2…!!!

Happy birthday baby girl!

Another first.

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Well, I’m admit, this is not a first I was looking forward to. But, I do think I’m lucky it’s taken this long! This last week we experienced our first bout of a very nasty gastro bug.. together! Her ladyship started it first, last Wednesday, then I started overnight on Thursday. It included a nice trip.to the children’s hospital for some dehydration and my washing machine has definitely been put through its paces! I also hate to think what it has done to the electricity bill as we have had the radiators and heated airer on battling to make sure we have clean babygros and pyjamas!! Oh and the bedding! 🙈

To say I am exhausted, would be an understatement. But we are doing much better. We had to postpone our Christmas outing yesterday and it will now be a new year’s outing but we definitely wouldn’t have made it!

I did have a moment over the last few days when I thought that extra person would be helpful but we had lots of snuggles, watched Christmas movies and made it through, just the two of us!

3.2.24

I started writing this blog post back in December! And as you can probably tell there was quite a bit going on so I have only just noticed I never actually pressed publish! We got through that joyous gastro bug just to pick up a flu bug for Christmas!

And now? Well, we have spent the morning in the children’s hospital following a nice little ambulance trip! My poor girl has a virus and was quite poorly overnight I phoned NHS111 in the hope of getting a GP appointment after a night of very high temperatures but was sent an ambulance instead. They then decided she needed to go in and see the doctors.

After a few hours (and a bigger dose of medicine) temperature came down and she was much more settled so we came home. We’re now lying in bed where she has been asleep for a couple of hours. It’s so hard seeing your little one even more vulnerable than they normally are. I’m just going to make sure she has lots of cuddles, until she’s better and wants to start playing and causing chaos again!

It’s not all been illness though. We had a lovely Christmas (despite my flu). Lily met Father Christmas for the first time although she was far more interested in checking out his living room and fireplace that talking to the man himself! Then, we spent New Year’s Day at Longleat. We have been before but this was the first time Lily really appreciated the animals and even became a bit of a pro at a wolf impression!

Now we just need this cold weather to go along with the bugs and we can get on with enjoying 2024!

Stay safe and ciao for now!