T-Day

Well that felt like a very long two weeks. Weirdly, placement seemed to fly by but it feels like months since I went to the clinic for my treatment. Last night I just wanted to rip open the pregnancy test and find out. But I knew I needed to wait until this morning.

5am, I woke up this morning! But, now the time had come, I couldn’t do it! I had got “the fear”! So many thoughts started flying through my head: “What if it is negative? how will I feel? The chances are so low but there is still a chance.” or “What if it is positive? I am going to want to tell the world and the sun’s not up yet.”

After nearly an hour and a half of torturing myself I decided I needed to do the test and find out. I did 2 tests, one would take 3 minutes, the other 10.

Both tests said negative. My initial reaction was that this wasn’t a surprise, chances are incredibly low. But as the morning has gone on the emotions have come in waves. I have spoken to the few family and friends that know and they have been amazing and supportive. And of course the ladies on The Stork and I Mum Tribe, who have been through it themselves. Being a part of a community that has been there, or who are there themselves right now, is invaluable.

Today is for me and my emotions, my grief over what could have been, then I will move on and get ready for the next try. I will not give up. This is meant to be and will be.

Stay safe and ciao for now. x

This is getting excitedly real!

So after being giving the big yes by the main man that is my consultant, I have been peeing in a plastic cup and dipping in numerous ovulation testing sticks. The two apps I have predicted ovulation day as Monday, well that would be about right as that is the first day of my new placement! BUT, yesterday morning I had a line on one of the tests, but was it dark enough?! And It couldn’t be yesterday, I had a presentation for uni! Second opinions confirmed not dark enough but it was suggested I get the Clear Blue test as it gives you either a smiley face or no face, so easy to read! After my presentation I was off to the shop to get the new test for this morning.

Except I couldn’t wait until this morning and did a test last night before bed and… SMILEY FACE!!! Cue complete freak out, no sleep over night and getting up at 6am to do another one just to make sure I really did see a smiley face! I did! This time I took a photo so I could reassure myself. I’m not sure what I have turned into!

I left a message on the answer machine for the clinic and, after a call back, I am off. My emotions are all over the place. Is this really happening? And how on Earth am I going to cope with the next 2 weeks!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

What a Rollercoaster!

I really thought I would be coming on here with yet more bad news. After getting so close to my target TSH of 2.5 milliunits per litre before the new year, I was hopeful for my recent blood test. Only this time I had shot well past and I am now on 0.05! My heart sank and as the doctor discussed re-jigging my mediation I kept thinking to myself, “well here we go again for another 2 months”. I emailed the clinic with my current levels and told them I would be back in touch with the next blood test. Then I wrote in a chat group I am in and someone mentioned that they had a low TSH level but had been told they could go ahead. Well, I was straight on the phone to the clinic requesting a call back! Within just a couple of hours my consultant phoned me and asked bout medication and what the plan was. My heart sank yet again, then came the words I will never forget… “I am happy for us to go ahead and get started with your treatment, whenever you are ready!”. If I had been in the room with him, and we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, I could have kissed him! I sat there in shock for a few minutes then realised I needed to share my news! I was trembling as I wrote messages to my Mum , Dad and step-mum and to the amazing few friends who have been through my side every step of the way.

Of course the many possibilities of what would happen now started running through my head. I had already started planning the job hunting for the end of my PGCE, after all if I was going to have to wait another 2 months before the blood test it would be another month after that for the start of treatment so there was no question of getting a job. But now, well what IF I am one of the lucky ones, one of the 13 out of 100 38 year old women who it works for first time? But then what if I’m not, what if it takes 3 attempts, or what if IUI won’t work for me and I have to go down the IVF route. Well, I can’t be left without a job! Of course if I leave it the odds reduce to 10% once I hit 39 so that’s not an option! Then I realised that my next cycle is due to start any day which means I could potentially be getting treatment in the next 2-3 weeks!

To say my brain felt like it had taken a trip into a washing machine on a spin cycle was an understatement. Then came the feeling of wanting to tell the whole world. But having to calm myself down and remind myself that I only have a 13% chance of it working so let’s not ahead of ourselves! My cats honestly must have thought I had lost the plot as I started discussing potential scenarios with them! The joy of single life in a lockdown! Which leads me on to another thought… I will most likely have to go by myself for my treatment. I don’t know how I feel about this! The original plan was always that my mum would be there, but she is shielding. To be honest I always thought it might be a bit odd to have my Mum in the room, after all, your mum wouldn’t normally be in the room at the point of conception would she?! But then this isn’t “normal”, is it?

So, the rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions continues! On top of which I have the small matter of uni lectures and assignments! I can’t help feeling this rollercoaster is going to be one of the longest of my life! But don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated of all the ups and downs along the way!

Stay safe and ciao for now!

So close!

What a Christmas it has been! We were very lucky to have a fairly normal Christmas even though my brother was on a deadline to get back to Wales before it closed!

I feel very blessed to have such an amazing family and friends who have been checking in with me to make sure I am not too lonely, it makes me realise despite not yet having children of my own I am still surrounded by people who love me.

Since I last wrote I have also had my offending tooth removed and my mouth is finally pain free… just in time for the Christmas turkey!

And of course the dreaded blood test.. something I have come to dread! I phoned today for the test result and… 2.8! Part of me wants to jump with joy and part of me wants to scream! So close to that 2.5 but still soooooo far! The clinic is closed for the Christmas break so I need to wait to speak to them next week but with treatment in touching distance, could 2021 be my year? Of course there is also the question of the covid vaccine? Not tested on pregnant women and not being anywhere on the list… should I wait for the vaccine???

It’s safe to say nothing is simple at the moment!

Happy Christmas (or any other holiday you celebrate) and Happy New Year!

Ciao for now.

Not my best day

Having not received my blood results by Friday I knew treatment this month was out. Gutting but just meant back to the original plan of December. Then, I got my test result.

Amazing how one small number can be so devastating. I need my TSH level to be 2.5, I have spent the last week picturing that number in my head. My phone call this morning told me that my TSH level is 5.8. That’s not even near 2.5.

6.3 to 5.8. I needed it to drop by 3.8, it dropped by 0.5. I booked a phone appointment for the GP this afternoon, put the phone down and cried. Then I went and bought the biggest chocolate Croissant the shop had. Then I came home and gave my cats a massive cuddle… they were ok with this to start with then decided it had gone on too long and really they just wanted to be outside!

Now, I have pulled myself together and I am trying to accept that December is unlikely to happen. In fact at this point I have decided not to set a goal. I am just going to focus on my thyroid doing the job it is meant to do.

To say this year had been shit would be an understatement!!! My family needs a boost, we need something positive. I really thought I could give that to them. It’s weird how I almost feel like I’m letting people down!

Please don’t get me wrong! I am not sinking into a deep depression! I have been there and this is nothing like that! I promise! I am just sad. I know I have said it before but when you get to this age the whole “clock is ticking” thing starts to feel VERY real. And therefore every month that passes is another loss.

My family lost someone very special last week. Someone, quite frankly, inspirational. I think part of me thought that if I could just give them a glimmer of something it would help with the pain. Not that I have told the majority of them about this. But I considered it. For the first time in a year I seriously considered telling the whole family.

But not now. Now I will wait. The reason I started this blog was to get my emotions out. I am an extremely emotional person! I have been known to cry at adverts! Putting it down in words is a way of helping me work out my feelings and emotions. So, today, writing this, I know I am grieving. Mostly for my amazing cousin but also for the baby that won’t be. BUT! I know it is another hurdle that I will cross, it might take a few attempts (and to be fair I was rubbish at hurdles in school!) but I will do it. I have amazing family and friends (even ones who have no idea) who are incredible at reminding me how lucky I am to have what I have and who support me and will continue to support me.

So, maybe not December, maybe not even January but it will happen. I just have to keep going and keep going until I get my dream. Until then I have a classroom of little people to keep me on my toes and a fair amount of uni work to keep me busy. Speaking of which… lecture time!!!

Stay safe and Ciao for now!

x

Fingers Firmly Crossed! 🤞

What a strange old time we are living in these days. Let’s face it, another lockdown has been on the cards for a while now and it has come as no surprise to me that it has finally arrived. It might be selfish to say but my first reaction was to check my fertility clinic’s website and check things hadn’t stopped again! So far… ALL GOOD!

I wrote a month or so ago to say that my progesterone had come back and showed a really good result, the excitement from that dwindled quite quickly as I was having to wait and take 6 weeks of thyroxine in the hope that my TSH level would come down to a reasonable level. I’m not sure where my brain got muddled but I was thinking that test was on the 7th November. Possibly the consequence of writing my first essay in many years. I had resigned myself to the earliest possible time to start treatment being December due to the fact I would have to wait for the result then contact the clinic on my next period , so they could prep the sperm sample, then test for my ovulation surge. With my period being due this weekend it was just not going to happen.

UNTIL… this weekend I received a text reminder for my blood test on 2nd November! Not only that Mother Nature has decided to give me one of my longer cycles and so far no sign that my period is intending to show up!!! So this morning I went off to my blood test, a nice early morning appointment to make sure I was home for lectures. Kudos to the nurse! I may have mentioned this before but I am renowned for being incredibly difficult to bleed. I have even been asked by the blood transfusion service not to come back as even when they do get a vein it point blank refuses to give enough blood to make my donation worth while! So imagine my surprise when the nurse sat me down, put the tourniquet on and drew a vile of blood within the space of around 2 minutes! Maybe, at 7:30 am, my veins hadn’t had a chance to wake up properly and realise they were supposed to play up! Or maybe… just maybe… things might be going my way?

The bad news came when the nurse told me it would take 2 WEEKS for my blood results to come back. Now, I have to be honest, her comment didn’t sink in until I was back at the car, I think I was still in shock! But then I did a delayed double take! 2 weeks?!?! Surely not! I don’t remember it taking that long last time, nor do I remember any blood test taking that long when I was a midwife. After stressing about it, I turned to a couple of amazing friends who instantly calmed me down and have suggest I phone after 2 days! I’m hoping that the nurse was also feeling the affects of the early morning start!

So now I am sitting here with my calendar in front of me working out the possibility of starting treatment THIS MONTH! It pretty much now comes down to one number! I need that number to be 2.5 or less. Whilst my essay has provided a good distraction, now that it is finished I can’t help thinking this will be the focus of my attention for the next 48 hours! And then, of course, I will be at placement on Wednesday! I can’t phone for results until after 11am, so in reality it will most likely be 4:30pm before I can phone!

This is all partly like things are really falling into place and partly like when I was standing on the edge of the Kawarau Bridge in 2002, waiting to jump off, attached to a giant elastic band! The baby dreams have returned this weekend and, once again, I see Mums with pushchairs everywhere.

For now, I will be continuing to employ the Law of Attraction, and focus on positive thoughts and visualise the number 2.5! I know some people will think it’s a load of rubbish but if there is even the remotest chance of it working, I’m there! 2.5 people, 2.5!!!

Ciao for now and stay safe!

Long time!

Wow! I haven’t been on here in months. Mainly because I really haven’t had anything to share. Lockdown really scuppered everything! I’ve also been suffering really badly with migraines recently. I was asked if anything was stressing me out and I couldn’t think of anything. Then I spoke to one of the nurses at the clinic yesterday and she asked me how I had been coping with the big gap in everything moving forward and I realised that maybe I was a bit more stressed out than I realised!

Don’t get me wrong, I started my PGCE last week and I think this has worked for the best but you just can’t help hear that clock ticking very loudly in your subconscious.

My consultant had said to me, at the beginning of this year, that I was still in the “ok” age-range but 38 was where it started to get more and more tricky. Well, in just 40 days I will be turning 38. That’s just two years off the big 4 0! This is getting real!

The discussion with the nurse was regarding the dreaded Progesterone test. Am I having it redone or not… answer finally, yes I am! But due to the fact that my cycle is not exactly regular I now have to do daily ovulation tests to check for my surge then have a blood test 7 days after! It’s all very precise! I have also had to have a repeat thyroid function test because despite my level being “normal”, it wasn’t spot on enough for the fertility experts!!!

Going through all this and knowing how accurate things need to be, it makes me wonder how people get pregnant so often!!! Having been a midwife I thought I knew quite a lot… but then I did join the party after conception!

So now I just sit and wait for that line to appear on the stick to tell me I can book my blood test! Turns out those lines have become very important in my life!!

Now I am just praying we don’t end up in another lockdown!

Stay safe everyone!

#Borisbaby

I know I only wrote yesterday but I have just seen the news that Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie have had their baby! Now I’m not going to lie, I am definitely NOT a Boris fan! But come on, who doesn’t love a newborn baby! So, congratulations to the new parents, enjoy your little man! A baby is a blessing that not everyone will receive.

And to the trolls out there who are sitting behind their screens making vile and disgusting comments, just stop. Because if this is what your life has come to, it’s about time you looked in the mirror and realised the person you have become. I might not agree with his politics, but at the end of the day Boris is a new dad, he has a family and he is human, whether you think it or not. So back off.

Oh and congratulations to EVERYONE who is having/ has had a baby during this weird time in our lives. And to you single Mums doing it on your own right now, with NO support whatsoever… YOU ARE AMAZING! Remember that!

Stay safe everyone!

Lockdown 😫

So I have completed 11 days in my new house in Lockdown. I am losing the plot! And I have been out to work twice in that time and done shopping for me and my Mum!! I am having one sided conversations with the kittens… pretty normal for a lot of pet owners… except I’m looking at them as if they are going to respond!!!

I have no internet in my house thanks to the previous tenant leaving his account open and unpaid… pretty much the same situation with the electricity company. An electricity company who want me to pay £95 a month… nope! So I have asked them to sort this out so I can change to a company who agree I won’t be using that much electricity!!! Oh and my 4G is pants!

I currently have no pots and pans, toaster, kettle or microwave meaning I am living on cereal and sandwiches. I have had to borrow a plate and cutlery as I don’t have these either! I am not sure where mine have all gone.. I can only assume they went to the charity shop during the clear out and Grampa’s!!! Fingers crossed my new saucepans are arriving today. 🤞

I have no bin in the kitchen either which means I have had a bin bag hanging from the cupboard… much to the joy of my kitten!

I want to go out into the garden to make it look less like a jungle but have no gardening equipment… must talk to the landlord about that!

I have so much stuff I want to chuck out but the tips aren’t open!

And despite all this I can see potential in this house! A coat of paint or 5 to get rid of the sparkly paint, pictures on the walls… a carpet cleaner… it will be a home!!!

I am trying to stay positive… I am trying not to think about the fact it is only April and we have no idea how long this could go on for. I am embracing the fact I can still go to school every now and again and see the kids and my colleagues, friends!

I am trying not to see every month that goes but one less chance of being a Mum. I know his is giving me the opportunity to do my PGCE before I become a Mum but it’s hard to get to 37 and not see every monthly cycle as another potential child gone. I know a lot of people won’t be able to understand this. But I also know a lot of women out there will. Not just single women like me but any woman who is trying for a baby. The moment you realise your period started, it Aunt Flow is visiting as my friend says, it breaks your heart just a little bit more.

I keep seeing adverts for foster parents and I am tempted… but I need to make this house suitable and by the time that happens I will probably be at uni! I cannot describe this need to be a parent. That is the other problem, I don’t know if I could let go. The children who go into foster care need so much time and support. I believe I can give that but I also don’t know if I could let them go again!

So many things going around in my head right now. So many up and down moments. And very few distractions.

So this is my lockdown so far.

Stay safe everyone, stay at home, wash your hands and remember it will end!

Bit of excitement!

Still stuck indoors, height of excitement is doing the Joe Wicks workout, my daily constitutional and going to the shops! BUT tomorrow.. I’m moving into my new house!!!

Ok, so it’s rented and isn’t mine, mine… but still! My own place! Just me and my kittens! Everything is packed and ready to go. Of course, things are just a little bit strange due to the whole social distancing thing. No going to the agent to get the key everything has to be done without contact. The house has been deep cleaned following the previous tenant and, other than the removal men, there is no one to help! I am on my own! But you know what? Who cares! I have something to do! And with lockdown in place, I have no excuse other than to sort my new home out! I have a garden to potter in as well. I am ridiculously excited!

Of course, as well as being excited over my new home there are other thoughts going around in my head… will this be the house I bring a new baby into? Will one of the rooms become a nursery? I’m starting to think about the future again instead of not being able to think beyond today!

Take care of yourselves everyone… and if you are stuck inside isolating, don’t forget to ask for help!