So close!

What a Christmas it has been! We were very lucky to have a fairly normal Christmas even though my brother was on a deadline to get back to Wales before it closed!

I feel very blessed to have such an amazing family and friends who have been checking in with me to make sure I am not too lonely, it makes me realise despite not yet having children of my own I am still surrounded by people who love me.

Since I last wrote I have also had my offending tooth removed and my mouth is finally pain free… just in time for the Christmas turkey!

And of course the dreaded blood test.. something I have come to dread! I phoned today for the test result and… 2.8! Part of me wants to jump with joy and part of me wants to scream! So close to that 2.5 but still soooooo far! The clinic is closed for the Christmas break so I need to wait to speak to them next week but with treatment in touching distance, could 2021 be my year? Of course there is also the question of the covid vaccine? Not tested on pregnant women and not being anywhere on the list… should I wait for the vaccine???

It’s safe to say nothing is simple at the moment!

Happy Christmas (or any other holiday you celebrate) and Happy New Year!

Ciao for now.

Not my best day

Having not received my blood results by Friday I knew treatment this month was out. Gutting but just meant back to the original plan of December. Then, I got my test result.

Amazing how one small number can be so devastating. I need my TSH level to be 2.5, I have spent the last week picturing that number in my head. My phone call this morning told me that my TSH level is 5.8. That’s not even near 2.5.

6.3 to 5.8. I needed it to drop by 3.8, it dropped by 0.5. I booked a phone appointment for the GP this afternoon, put the phone down and cried. Then I went and bought the biggest chocolate Croissant the shop had. Then I came home and gave my cats a massive cuddle… they were ok with this to start with then decided it had gone on too long and really they just wanted to be outside!

Now, I have pulled myself together and I am trying to accept that December is unlikely to happen. In fact at this point I have decided not to set a goal. I am just going to focus on my thyroid doing the job it is meant to do.

To say this year had been shit would be an understatement!!! My family needs a boost, we need something positive. I really thought I could give that to them. It’s weird how I almost feel like I’m letting people down!

Please don’t get me wrong! I am not sinking into a deep depression! I have been there and this is nothing like that! I promise! I am just sad. I know I have said it before but when you get to this age the whole “clock is ticking” thing starts to feel VERY real. And therefore every month that passes is another loss.

My family lost someone very special last week. Someone, quite frankly, inspirational. I think part of me thought that if I could just give them a glimmer of something it would help with the pain. Not that I have told the majority of them about this. But I considered it. For the first time in a year I seriously considered telling the whole family.

But not now. Now I will wait. The reason I started this blog was to get my emotions out. I am an extremely emotional person! I have been known to cry at adverts! Putting it down in words is a way of helping me work out my feelings and emotions. So, today, writing this, I know I am grieving. Mostly for my amazing cousin but also for the baby that won’t be. BUT! I know it is another hurdle that I will cross, it might take a few attempts (and to be fair I was rubbish at hurdles in school!) but I will do it. I have amazing family and friends (even ones who have no idea) who are incredible at reminding me how lucky I am to have what I have and who support me and will continue to support me.

So, maybe not December, maybe not even January but it will happen. I just have to keep going and keep going until I get my dream. Until then I have a classroom of little people to keep me on my toes and a fair amount of uni work to keep me busy. Speaking of which… lecture time!!!

Stay safe and Ciao for now!

x

Fingers Firmly Crossed! 🤞

What a strange old time we are living in these days. Let’s face it, another lockdown has been on the cards for a while now and it has come as no surprise to me that it has finally arrived. It might be selfish to say but my first reaction was to check my fertility clinic’s website and check things hadn’t stopped again! So far… ALL GOOD!

I wrote a month or so ago to say that my progesterone had come back and showed a really good result, the excitement from that dwindled quite quickly as I was having to wait and take 6 weeks of thyroxine in the hope that my TSH level would come down to a reasonable level. I’m not sure where my brain got muddled but I was thinking that test was on the 7th November. Possibly the consequence of writing my first essay in many years. I had resigned myself to the earliest possible time to start treatment being December due to the fact I would have to wait for the result then contact the clinic on my next period , so they could prep the sperm sample, then test for my ovulation surge. With my period being due this weekend it was just not going to happen.

UNTIL… this weekend I received a text reminder for my blood test on 2nd November! Not only that Mother Nature has decided to give me one of my longer cycles and so far no sign that my period is intending to show up!!! So this morning I went off to my blood test, a nice early morning appointment to make sure I was home for lectures. Kudos to the nurse! I may have mentioned this before but I am renowned for being incredibly difficult to bleed. I have even been asked by the blood transfusion service not to come back as even when they do get a vein it point blank refuses to give enough blood to make my donation worth while! So imagine my surprise when the nurse sat me down, put the tourniquet on and drew a vile of blood within the space of around 2 minutes! Maybe, at 7:30 am, my veins hadn’t had a chance to wake up properly and realise they were supposed to play up! Or maybe… just maybe… things might be going my way?

The bad news came when the nurse told me it would take 2 WEEKS for my blood results to come back. Now, I have to be honest, her comment didn’t sink in until I was back at the car, I think I was still in shock! But then I did a delayed double take! 2 weeks?!?! Surely not! I don’t remember it taking that long last time, nor do I remember any blood test taking that long when I was a midwife. After stressing about it, I turned to a couple of amazing friends who instantly calmed me down and have suggest I phone after 2 days! I’m hoping that the nurse was also feeling the affects of the early morning start!

So now I am sitting here with my calendar in front of me working out the possibility of starting treatment THIS MONTH! It pretty much now comes down to one number! I need that number to be 2.5 or less. Whilst my essay has provided a good distraction, now that it is finished I can’t help thinking this will be the focus of my attention for the next 48 hours! And then, of course, I will be at placement on Wednesday! I can’t phone for results until after 11am, so in reality it will most likely be 4:30pm before I can phone!

This is all partly like things are really falling into place and partly like when I was standing on the edge of the Kawarau Bridge in 2002, waiting to jump off, attached to a giant elastic band! The baby dreams have returned this weekend and, once again, I see Mums with pushchairs everywhere.

For now, I will be continuing to employ the Law of Attraction, and focus on positive thoughts and visualise the number 2.5! I know some people will think it’s a load of rubbish but if there is even the remotest chance of it working, I’m there! 2.5 people, 2.5!!!

Ciao for now and stay safe!

Long time!

Wow! I haven’t been on here in months. Mainly because I really haven’t had anything to share. Lockdown really scuppered everything! I’ve also been suffering really badly with migraines recently. I was asked if anything was stressing me out and I couldn’t think of anything. Then I spoke to one of the nurses at the clinic yesterday and she asked me how I had been coping with the big gap in everything moving forward and I realised that maybe I was a bit more stressed out than I realised!

Don’t get me wrong, I started my PGCE last week and I think this has worked for the best but you just can’t help hear that clock ticking very loudly in your subconscious.

My consultant had said to me, at the beginning of this year, that I was still in the “ok” age-range but 38 was where it started to get more and more tricky. Well, in just 40 days I will be turning 38. That’s just two years off the big 4 0! This is getting real!

The discussion with the nurse was regarding the dreaded Progesterone test. Am I having it redone or not… answer finally, yes I am! But due to the fact that my cycle is not exactly regular I now have to do daily ovulation tests to check for my surge then have a blood test 7 days after! It’s all very precise! I have also had to have a repeat thyroid function test because despite my level being “normal”, it wasn’t spot on enough for the fertility experts!!!

Going through all this and knowing how accurate things need to be, it makes me wonder how people get pregnant so often!!! Having been a midwife I thought I knew quite a lot… but then I did join the party after conception!

So now I just sit and wait for that line to appear on the stick to tell me I can book my blood test! Turns out those lines have become very important in my life!!

Now I am just praying we don’t end up in another lockdown!

Stay safe everyone!

#Borisbaby

I know I only wrote yesterday but I have just seen the news that Boris Johnson and his girlfriend Carrie have had their baby! Now I’m not going to lie, I am definitely NOT a Boris fan! But come on, who doesn’t love a newborn baby! So, congratulations to the new parents, enjoy your little man! A baby is a blessing that not everyone will receive.

And to the trolls out there who are sitting behind their screens making vile and disgusting comments, just stop. Because if this is what your life has come to, it’s about time you looked in the mirror and realised the person you have become. I might not agree with his politics, but at the end of the day Boris is a new dad, he has a family and he is human, whether you think it or not. So back off.

Oh and congratulations to EVERYONE who is having/ has had a baby during this weird time in our lives. And to you single Mums doing it on your own right now, with NO support whatsoever… YOU ARE AMAZING! Remember that!

Stay safe everyone!

Lockdown 😫

So I have completed 11 days in my new house in Lockdown. I am losing the plot! And I have been out to work twice in that time and done shopping for me and my Mum!! I am having one sided conversations with the kittens… pretty normal for a lot of pet owners… except I’m looking at them as if they are going to respond!!!

I have no internet in my house thanks to the previous tenant leaving his account open and unpaid… pretty much the same situation with the electricity company. An electricity company who want me to pay £95 a month… nope! So I have asked them to sort this out so I can change to a company who agree I won’t be using that much electricity!!! Oh and my 4G is pants!

I currently have no pots and pans, toaster, kettle or microwave meaning I am living on cereal and sandwiches. I have had to borrow a plate and cutlery as I don’t have these either! I am not sure where mine have all gone.. I can only assume they went to the charity shop during the clear out and Grampa’s!!! Fingers crossed my new saucepans are arriving today. 🤞

I have no bin in the kitchen either which means I have had a bin bag hanging from the cupboard… much to the joy of my kitten!

I want to go out into the garden to make it look less like a jungle but have no gardening equipment… must talk to the landlord about that!

I have so much stuff I want to chuck out but the tips aren’t open!

And despite all this I can see potential in this house! A coat of paint or 5 to get rid of the sparkly paint, pictures on the walls… a carpet cleaner… it will be a home!!!

I am trying to stay positive… I am trying not to think about the fact it is only April and we have no idea how long this could go on for. I am embracing the fact I can still go to school every now and again and see the kids and my colleagues, friends!

I am trying not to see every month that goes but one less chance of being a Mum. I know his is giving me the opportunity to do my PGCE before I become a Mum but it’s hard to get to 37 and not see every monthly cycle as another potential child gone. I know a lot of people won’t be able to understand this. But I also know a lot of women out there will. Not just single women like me but any woman who is trying for a baby. The moment you realise your period started, it Aunt Flow is visiting as my friend says, it breaks your heart just a little bit more.

I keep seeing adverts for foster parents and I am tempted… but I need to make this house suitable and by the time that happens I will probably be at uni! I cannot describe this need to be a parent. That is the other problem, I don’t know if I could let go. The children who go into foster care need so much time and support. I believe I can give that but I also don’t know if I could let them go again!

So many things going around in my head right now. So many up and down moments. And very few distractions.

So this is my lockdown so far.

Stay safe everyone, stay at home, wash your hands and remember it will end!

Bit of excitement!

Still stuck indoors, height of excitement is doing the Joe Wicks workout, my daily constitutional and going to the shops! BUT tomorrow.. I’m moving into my new house!!!

Ok, so it’s rented and isn’t mine, mine… but still! My own place! Just me and my kittens! Everything is packed and ready to go. Of course, things are just a little bit strange due to the whole social distancing thing. No going to the agent to get the key everything has to be done without contact. The house has been deep cleaned following the previous tenant and, other than the removal men, there is no one to help! I am on my own! But you know what? Who cares! I have something to do! And with lockdown in place, I have no excuse other than to sort my new home out! I have a garden to potter in as well. I am ridiculously excited!

Of course, as well as being excited over my new home there are other thoughts going around in my head… will this be the house I bring a new baby into? Will one of the rooms become a nursery? I’m starting to think about the future again instead of not being able to think beyond today!

Take care of yourselves everyone… and if you are stuck inside isolating, don’t forget to ask for help!

Current Affairs (warning I will rant)

I am one of those people that loves immersing myself in current affairs. I sit and read the BBC news app and will choose to sit with a news channel on or listen to 5Live. But right now I am torn. I care, I really do. Covid 19 has torn our world apart in a way that no one was really prepared for. We have spent the last few years talking about how we are killing our planet and ourselves with Climate Change but no one talked about a virus that would take down our vulnerable and isolate us from each other. But I am finding it harder and harder to listen to the radio or watch the news. Plus, there MUST be other things going on in the world. Wars don’t stop for Covid 19.

I know there are human beings who like isolation but most of us crave human contact. We are driven to be sociable. Now, thanks to something so small it can’t be seen by the human eye, we have to go against everything we believe in. If you live on your own, then you are on your own.

Of course, humans are humans, and this week I’m beginning to agree more and more with Doctor Who that a lot of them are silly. Okay, I am putting this mildly. Stupid and selfish. I am angry. I am broken hearted. There is so much positivity in the community groups and the care our NHS workers are giving, our teachers still looking after children, retired NHS professionals stepping up. I feel there is hope but I see people ignoring the government advice and putting people at unnecessary risk. Not to mention those who are using this as a chance to destroy property and livelihoods even more than they have already been destroyed. So now not only are we battling a virus but we are battling human beings who seem incapable of using common sense.

People are losing loved ones and I hate it. I can’t stand the fact that something can destroy people’s lives in so many ways. I am seeing people I love scared what it could mean for them. I have all but shut myself in my room to help protect my Mum. I need more than ever to move out next week so I can keep her safe. If I go out, I come in and go straight to the shower, I wash clothes I have worn outside straight away. It’s like a science fiction movie.

With all this going on, I feel guilt. Because I know that treatment cannot go ahead right now and I am devastated. I said before I had decided to postpone but until this happened I think deep down I thought it would still be fairly imminent. But now I have to be sensible. The NHS is going to be under immense strain. I am waiting on an appointment with a consultant regarding my abdominal pain but I do not have much hope that it will be anytime soon. But then I worry about the pain getting bad enough to go back into A&E again, I will be taking up valuable resources. I try so hard to stay at home, I do. And if I do end up in A&E, what could I be bringing back to my Mum? And yet I am devastated. For me, for what I can’t have right now.

So, this is my current affair. Not just mine, there are so many women out there who are putting treatment on hold because of this tiny life destroyer. I know we are not important in the grand scheme of things right now but it’s still hard.

I want people to follow the advice but I also want to move house next week! I want people to stop bulk buying things they don’t need to bulk buy, or I could potentially have no loo paper in my house! I want human beings to switch their brains on. I want a child. I really want a child.

I know this will end, I know my treatment will happen. I have had more mood swings in the last couple of days that I usually have during a whole week of PMT! I am trying to distract myself with online learning and shopping lists for my house, and many many kitten cuddles.

Stay safe everyone. Look after yourselves. If you are self isolating ask for help. We will beat this! And I will have my baby!!!

Uncertainty!

Sorry it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. Things have been a little up in the air! Since I last wrote I went to the clinic and signed all the legal paperwork that is needed to ensure that I am the sole responsible parent for my future child as well as information release forms and agreements for sperm storage. It was a lot of forms and signing but it is done! So that is it, all the formal stuff out the way! Things are really moving forward… except I have been told by the nurse that they want me to re-do my progesterone blood test and my thyroid function before moving forward. I knew about the thyroid but not about the progesterone.

This is where is gets tricky. I do not have a regular cycle, and I am definitely not your 28 day cycle kind of person. So a 21 day progesterone test does not apply to me. So instead I need to have mine 7 days after I ovulate which means I need to track my ovulation. Ok, so in theory that is fine, except you have to book a blood test at my GP about a month in advance. Fortunately my clinic will do the blood test, it just means more money… worth it though!

So I went home from the appointment, ready to track my cycle and get the blood test asap. And then… hospital again! Yep, another trip to A&E in excruciating pain. This time I got an urgent appointment for the next morning. Scan done and nothing found. I was told I needed to go back to my GP to be referred to another department (not quite sure why my GP has to do it!).

My decision now is that now that I have a house to move to (oh yes, I have a house!) and as much as I want to move forward, my sensible option is to try and find out what is going on before I do anything. I feel at the moment like I take one step forward and two steps back.

Of course this probably all seems pretty trivial considering what is going on in the world right now. But everything is relative. And in my world this is still such a major thing. My brain swings from worrying about Covid-19 to worrying about how old I will be when I have my baby… or if it even happens. I hear other people talking about the issues raised with having children and all the uncertainty around working and how lucky I am because I don’t have that problem. I WANT THAT PROBLEM! I want to be coming home, thinking about whether I need to take my child to work, or if my child’s nursery/school will be open for me because I’m a key worker. I do not see myself as lucky. My heart breaks more every day that my health issues and this world health crisis goes on.

My clinic has emailed to say they will still be going ahead as normal but please don’t come in if you are at risk or showing symptoms. Right now I am technically neither but I have other issues in the way.

There is so much uncertainty for everyone right now. I work in a school and at the moment I am still going in. But for how long, I do not know. No one does. Will I need to go in everyday or will I need to work from home? Will my move go ahead in 2 weeks or will something happen to change that? Because really, should I be staying with my Mum who immunocompromised? How long will this health scare go on for? When will people stop panic buying? Surely you have everything you need by now!

What I do know is that there will be an end to this Covid-19 crisis and life will eventually go back to normal… but what is normal for me now? And will it be normal as a mummy or normal as a wannabemummy?

Waiting!

I am happy to say I received the report from the counsellor on Saturday! Nice and quick turn around so I was very happy. I was also really happy with her comments. It’s always quite surreal reading someone’s opinion on you but I felt like she had really understood me and my reasons for wanting to do this and do it now. So I wrote her a letter back saying I am happy for her to put this forward to the team. And now the wait.

I feel like the waiting in this is always going to be the hardest thing. First I had to wait to get the blood tests done because I couldn’t have my first appointment without them. Now I have to wait for a group of people to decide whether they want to help me achieve my dream. If they decide to help me I then have to wait for the right point in my cycle to go ahead with the procedure and then… well then we have what is known as the 2 week wait! I suppose it could be worse, it could be longer, but I bet those must be the longest 2 weeks of your life. If you get a negative result and it hasn’t worked you then need to wait to go through it all again. BUT if you have a positive result, you need to wait until around 9 weeks before you can have your first midwife appointment, another 3 weeks for your first scan and when you finally tell everyone your good news. After that it’s another 4 weeks before your next midwife appointment when you might hear the heartbeat!

So, like I said, it’s a whole lot of waiting! But for something worth waiting for! As I said before, I am an impatient person! I can’t help it! If I’m honest, I don’t know where I got it from, maybe it’s being the baby of three siblings! I always wanted to grow up faster to catch up with my brothers! When I got my kittens I found the few weeks I had to wait to bring them home almost intolerable! I know waiting is a good thing but some waits are harder than others! And when you’ve been waiting nearly half your life for something even a few months seems too long!

There is also that weird feeling of not being able to plan. This might sound strange and if I was going down the traditional route I wonder if it would be the same. But not knowing if or when it might happen, do you book a holiday? Do you make plans to go to that concert next year? Do I hand in my teacher training application now?

I did by the way, I made the decision that if I got the place and then became “with child” I will defer for a year. I have to keep making plans or I can pretty much guarantee it won’t happen and I will not move forward in any way!

I will continue to wait, and I will continue to include you in my waiting!

Of course the other wait I have is to lose weight! It is happening, and apparently I am doing better than expected! I have lost 9.5lbs in 2 weeks, I have achieved my half stone award at Slimming World and I need to lose 4.5lbs this week to get my 1 stone award. But I want it gone now! I want to be at a normal BMI! This of course is down to me and I feel writing my weight loss on here will motivate me to keep going!

I am now off to get some sleep, I have 2 post-surgery kittens so fingers crossed for a good night sleep… I need to make the most of them whilst I still can!!!