Lockdown 😫

So I have completed 11 days in my new house in Lockdown. I am losing the plot! And I have been out to work twice in that time and done shopping for me and my Mum!! I am having one sided conversations with the kittens… pretty normal for a lot of pet owners… except I’m looking at them as if they are going to respond!!!

I have no internet in my house thanks to the previous tenant leaving his account open and unpaid… pretty much the same situation with the electricity company. An electricity company who want me to pay £95 a month… nope! So I have asked them to sort this out so I can change to a company who agree I won’t be using that much electricity!!! Oh and my 4G is pants!

I currently have no pots and pans, toaster, kettle or microwave meaning I am living on cereal and sandwiches. I have had to borrow a plate and cutlery as I don’t have these either! I am not sure where mine have all gone.. I can only assume they went to the charity shop during the clear out and Grampa’s!!! Fingers crossed my new saucepans are arriving today. 🤞

I have no bin in the kitchen either which means I have had a bin bag hanging from the cupboard… much to the joy of my kitten!

I want to go out into the garden to make it look less like a jungle but have no gardening equipment… must talk to the landlord about that!

I have so much stuff I want to chuck out but the tips aren’t open!

And despite all this I can see potential in this house! A coat of paint or 5 to get rid of the sparkly paint, pictures on the walls… a carpet cleaner… it will be a home!!!

I am trying to stay positive… I am trying not to think about the fact it is only April and we have no idea how long this could go on for. I am embracing the fact I can still go to school every now and again and see the kids and my colleagues, friends!

I am trying not to see every month that goes but one less chance of being a Mum. I know his is giving me the opportunity to do my PGCE before I become a Mum but it’s hard to get to 37 and not see every monthly cycle as another potential child gone. I know a lot of people won’t be able to understand this. But I also know a lot of women out there will. Not just single women like me but any woman who is trying for a baby. The moment you realise your period started, it Aunt Flow is visiting as my friend says, it breaks your heart just a little bit more.

I keep seeing adverts for foster parents and I am tempted… but I need to make this house suitable and by the time that happens I will probably be at uni! I cannot describe this need to be a parent. That is the other problem, I don’t know if I could let go. The children who go into foster care need so much time and support. I believe I can give that but I also don’t know if I could let them go again!

So many things going around in my head right now. So many up and down moments. And very few distractions.

So this is my lockdown so far.

Stay safe everyone, stay at home, wash your hands and remember it will end!

Current Affairs (warning I will rant)

I am one of those people that loves immersing myself in current affairs. I sit and read the BBC news app and will choose to sit with a news channel on or listen to 5Live. But right now I am torn. I care, I really do. Covid 19 has torn our world apart in a way that no one was really prepared for. We have spent the last few years talking about how we are killing our planet and ourselves with Climate Change but no one talked about a virus that would take down our vulnerable and isolate us from each other. But I am finding it harder and harder to listen to the radio or watch the news. Plus, there MUST be other things going on in the world. Wars don’t stop for Covid 19.

I know there are human beings who like isolation but most of us crave human contact. We are driven to be sociable. Now, thanks to something so small it can’t be seen by the human eye, we have to go against everything we believe in. If you live on your own, then you are on your own.

Of course, humans are humans, and this week I’m beginning to agree more and more with Doctor Who that a lot of them are silly. Okay, I am putting this mildly. Stupid and selfish. I am angry. I am broken hearted. There is so much positivity in the community groups and the care our NHS workers are giving, our teachers still looking after children, retired NHS professionals stepping up. I feel there is hope but I see people ignoring the government advice and putting people at unnecessary risk. Not to mention those who are using this as a chance to destroy property and livelihoods even more than they have already been destroyed. So now not only are we battling a virus but we are battling human beings who seem incapable of using common sense.

People are losing loved ones and I hate it. I can’t stand the fact that something can destroy people’s lives in so many ways. I am seeing people I love scared what it could mean for them. I have all but shut myself in my room to help protect my Mum. I need more than ever to move out next week so I can keep her safe. If I go out, I come in and go straight to the shower, I wash clothes I have worn outside straight away. It’s like a science fiction movie.

With all this going on, I feel guilt. Because I know that treatment cannot go ahead right now and I am devastated. I said before I had decided to postpone but until this happened I think deep down I thought it would still be fairly imminent. But now I have to be sensible. The NHS is going to be under immense strain. I am waiting on an appointment with a consultant regarding my abdominal pain but I do not have much hope that it will be anytime soon. But then I worry about the pain getting bad enough to go back into A&E again, I will be taking up valuable resources. I try so hard to stay at home, I do. And if I do end up in A&E, what could I be bringing back to my Mum? And yet I am devastated. For me, for what I can’t have right now.

So, this is my current affair. Not just mine, there are so many women out there who are putting treatment on hold because of this tiny life destroyer. I know we are not important in the grand scheme of things right now but it’s still hard.

I want people to follow the advice but I also want to move house next week! I want people to stop bulk buying things they don’t need to bulk buy, or I could potentially have no loo paper in my house! I want human beings to switch their brains on. I want a child. I really want a child.

I know this will end, I know my treatment will happen. I have had more mood swings in the last couple of days that I usually have during a whole week of PMT! I am trying to distract myself with online learning and shopping lists for my house, and many many kitten cuddles.

Stay safe everyone. Look after yourselves. If you are self isolating ask for help. We will beat this! And I will have my baby!!!