Life goes on?

We are now in week six (I think!) of Lockdown and I don’t know about anyone else but I am struggling! I was not made to work from home, I was not made to sit inside all the time nor to have no contact with people. I don’t just mean talking or seeing people in the street but hugs … I need hugs! I am a hug-loving person and I miss hugs! I am getting some lovely hugs from my cats but somehow it’s just not the same.

I’ve talked before about how I envy people in relationships but this has taken that to a whole new level. I can literally not touch a single human being. I can’t cuddle my nieces or my friends’ kids, can’t give them a kiss and say how much I miss them. I am contact free! And it is driving me insane!

The majority of my day is spent on social media or the phone (obviously when I’m not working) but it’s not the same as sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea having a chat. That moment when you are sharing stories and you touch the other persons arm, or when you give someone a hug because they have just told you some amazing news… I miss that. We are humans we were made to show affection through physical contact. But now we are told NO!

It seems not everyone is taking this social distancing thing quite so seriously though. I have seen people meeting up on the streets, sharing car journeys and even going in to other people’s houses… I’d love to give these people the benefit of the doubt and say that had valid reasons… but I don’t believe it!

There have been rumours of Lockdown being relaxed early, I’m not sure where these came from but I am not convinced. Having seen how people behave now, do we really want to risk the actions people will take? What is the saying? “Give an inch and they’ll take a mile”. Sad, but true.

There has also been talk of non-urgent medical appointments being reinstated. So that has got the big question of, will fertility treatments resume? This really puts me in a quandary. Desperation to ‘get back to it’ versus ‘can I take the risk?’ Heart says one, head says the other. But for once I will stick with my head. I am not willing to take the risk. Plus, I am a key worker, I may not have physical contact with other people but I still go to work.. with children. I wouldn’t want to risk taking something with me to the clinic. So for now, I will carry on. Plus, I am starting uni in September, now is not the time to start treatment!

So is life going on? Well, of course it is. It is just a very bizarre life that involves me having a lot of one sided conversations with 2, 9 month old kittens, lots of online training, slimming world and drama meetings via Zoom and box sets. I am even practicing with the old makeup! Times really are desperate! And there is also a lot of time for rumenation!

This was supposed be a blog about becoming a single mum by choice but has become the ramblings of a crazy cat lady in Lockdown! Sorry!

Stay safe everyone!

Lockdown 😫

So I have completed 11 days in my new house in Lockdown. I am losing the plot! And I have been out to work twice in that time and done shopping for me and my Mum!! I am having one sided conversations with the kittens… pretty normal for a lot of pet owners… except I’m looking at them as if they are going to respond!!!

I have no internet in my house thanks to the previous tenant leaving his account open and unpaid… pretty much the same situation with the electricity company. An electricity company who want me to pay £95 a month… nope! So I have asked them to sort this out so I can change to a company who agree I won’t be using that much electricity!!! Oh and my 4G is pants!

I currently have no pots and pans, toaster, kettle or microwave meaning I am living on cereal and sandwiches. I have had to borrow a plate and cutlery as I don’t have these either! I am not sure where mine have all gone.. I can only assume they went to the charity shop during the clear out and Grampa’s!!! Fingers crossed my new saucepans are arriving today. 🤞

I have no bin in the kitchen either which means I have had a bin bag hanging from the cupboard… much to the joy of my kitten!

I want to go out into the garden to make it look less like a jungle but have no gardening equipment… must talk to the landlord about that!

I have so much stuff I want to chuck out but the tips aren’t open!

And despite all this I can see potential in this house! A coat of paint or 5 to get rid of the sparkly paint, pictures on the walls… a carpet cleaner… it will be a home!!!

I am trying to stay positive… I am trying not to think about the fact it is only April and we have no idea how long this could go on for. I am embracing the fact I can still go to school every now and again and see the kids and my colleagues, friends!

I am trying not to see every month that goes but one less chance of being a Mum. I know his is giving me the opportunity to do my PGCE before I become a Mum but it’s hard to get to 37 and not see every monthly cycle as another potential child gone. I know a lot of people won’t be able to understand this. But I also know a lot of women out there will. Not just single women like me but any woman who is trying for a baby. The moment you realise your period started, it Aunt Flow is visiting as my friend says, it breaks your heart just a little bit more.

I keep seeing adverts for foster parents and I am tempted… but I need to make this house suitable and by the time that happens I will probably be at uni! I cannot describe this need to be a parent. That is the other problem, I don’t know if I could let go. The children who go into foster care need so much time and support. I believe I can give that but I also don’t know if I could let them go again!

So many things going around in my head right now. So many up and down moments. And very few distractions.

So this is my lockdown so far.

Stay safe everyone, stay at home, wash your hands and remember it will end!

Bit of excitement!

Still stuck indoors, height of excitement is doing the Joe Wicks workout, my daily constitutional and going to the shops! BUT tomorrow.. I’m moving into my new house!!!

Ok, so it’s rented and isn’t mine, mine… but still! My own place! Just me and my kittens! Everything is packed and ready to go. Of course, things are just a little bit strange due to the whole social distancing thing. No going to the agent to get the key everything has to be done without contact. The house has been deep cleaned following the previous tenant and, other than the removal men, there is no one to help! I am on my own! But you know what? Who cares! I have something to do! And with lockdown in place, I have no excuse other than to sort my new home out! I have a garden to potter in as well. I am ridiculously excited!

Of course, as well as being excited over my new home there are other thoughts going around in my head… will this be the house I bring a new baby into? Will one of the rooms become a nursery? I’m starting to think about the future again instead of not being able to think beyond today!

Take care of yourselves everyone… and if you are stuck inside isolating, don’t forget to ask for help!

Distractions – a little off topic!

Well… I don’t know about the rest of you but I am pretty much done with Covid 19 now and wish it would just do one! It’s been a week of lock down here in the UK and I am going stir crazy… and I went into work on Thursday as I work in a school!

Before anyone starts having a pop and telling me others have been in lock down far longer… I know!!! But that doesn’t mean I can’t have my rant!

I think it’s amazing how people are finding ways to get through this. We have amazing people like Joe Wicks doing his online daily work out (which was harder than I was expecting!), good old Carol Vorderman doing her online maths classes and David Walliams doing his daily online story! Zoom has gone from Zero to Hero as people are trying to find new ways of socialising with their friends, virtual coffee mornings and cocktails parties, online choir practice as well as online Sunday lunches! As a human race we are remarkably resilient. We have amazing people who are volunteering to go out and about helping those who can’t get out for their essentials and retired healthcare professionals coming out of retirement to do their bit!

But I just wonder how long it can last? Will it change us as a human race? Will youngsters think that they no longer need to go out or will it make people realise just how much they appreciate the good outdoors and human contact? Or will things just go back to the way it was?

Only time will tell and we have a long way to push through before then! Wuhan is due to come out of lockdown on 8th April… the world’s eyes will be looking that way to see what will happen!

So how am I coping with the lockdown? A LOT of online learning, helping family members by getting essentials, taking part in the Joe Wicks workout and planning my move which is still currently set to go ahead next week. It would appear I will have 10 days with no internet so that will be interesting… or expensive if I cave and use my 3G! My drama group is having a weekly online chat, and my colleagues are keeping each other entertained with daily anecdotes of their lockdown lives!

But I am craving human contact right now! I still have amazing cuddles with my kittens but I haven’t had a human hug for over a week and it is killing me! I am a huggy person. I love a cuddle. I am currently exremely envious, no, jealous of those who have people in their household they can still hug. I refuse to believe I am alone in this! I can see it now, when all this is over I will be going around hugging everybody to make up for it!!!

Please comment with any lockdown ideas you have. Please share my blog! PLEASE!!! I need contact! I need distraction! Not just from Covid 19 but from the break in my journey. Because out of all of this, that is what I am finding the hardest… I know I am not alone but it would be nice to hear/read it!!!!

Take care for now, stay safe, stay inside, try Joe Wicks’ workout and we WILL get through this!

fgh <— my kitten’s contribution!!!

Current Affairs (warning I will rant)

I am one of those people that loves immersing myself in current affairs. I sit and read the BBC news app and will choose to sit with a news channel on or listen to 5Live. But right now I am torn. I care, I really do. Covid 19 has torn our world apart in a way that no one was really prepared for. We have spent the last few years talking about how we are killing our planet and ourselves with Climate Change but no one talked about a virus that would take down our vulnerable and isolate us from each other. But I am finding it harder and harder to listen to the radio or watch the news. Plus, there MUST be other things going on in the world. Wars don’t stop for Covid 19.

I know there are human beings who like isolation but most of us crave human contact. We are driven to be sociable. Now, thanks to something so small it can’t be seen by the human eye, we have to go against everything we believe in. If you live on your own, then you are on your own.

Of course, humans are humans, and this week I’m beginning to agree more and more with Doctor Who that a lot of them are silly. Okay, I am putting this mildly. Stupid and selfish. I am angry. I am broken hearted. There is so much positivity in the community groups and the care our NHS workers are giving, our teachers still looking after children, retired NHS professionals stepping up. I feel there is hope but I see people ignoring the government advice and putting people at unnecessary risk. Not to mention those who are using this as a chance to destroy property and livelihoods even more than they have already been destroyed. So now not only are we battling a virus but we are battling human beings who seem incapable of using common sense.

People are losing loved ones and I hate it. I can’t stand the fact that something can destroy people’s lives in so many ways. I am seeing people I love scared what it could mean for them. I have all but shut myself in my room to help protect my Mum. I need more than ever to move out next week so I can keep her safe. If I go out, I come in and go straight to the shower, I wash clothes I have worn outside straight away. It’s like a science fiction movie.

With all this going on, I feel guilt. Because I know that treatment cannot go ahead right now and I am devastated. I said before I had decided to postpone but until this happened I think deep down I thought it would still be fairly imminent. But now I have to be sensible. The NHS is going to be under immense strain. I am waiting on an appointment with a consultant regarding my abdominal pain but I do not have much hope that it will be anytime soon. But then I worry about the pain getting bad enough to go back into A&E again, I will be taking up valuable resources. I try so hard to stay at home, I do. And if I do end up in A&E, what could I be bringing back to my Mum? And yet I am devastated. For me, for what I can’t have right now.

So, this is my current affair. Not just mine, there are so many women out there who are putting treatment on hold because of this tiny life destroyer. I know we are not important in the grand scheme of things right now but it’s still hard.

I want people to follow the advice but I also want to move house next week! I want people to stop bulk buying things they don’t need to bulk buy, or I could potentially have no loo paper in my house! I want human beings to switch their brains on. I want a child. I really want a child.

I know this will end, I know my treatment will happen. I have had more mood swings in the last couple of days that I usually have during a whole week of PMT! I am trying to distract myself with online learning and shopping lists for my house, and many many kitten cuddles.

Stay safe everyone. Look after yourselves. If you are self isolating ask for help. We will beat this! And I will have my baby!!!

Uncertainty!

Sorry it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve written. Things have been a little up in the air! Since I last wrote I went to the clinic and signed all the legal paperwork that is needed to ensure that I am the sole responsible parent for my future child as well as information release forms and agreements for sperm storage. It was a lot of forms and signing but it is done! So that is it, all the formal stuff out the way! Things are really moving forward… except I have been told by the nurse that they want me to re-do my progesterone blood test and my thyroid function before moving forward. I knew about the thyroid but not about the progesterone.

This is where is gets tricky. I do not have a regular cycle, and I am definitely not your 28 day cycle kind of person. So a 21 day progesterone test does not apply to me. So instead I need to have mine 7 days after I ovulate which means I need to track my ovulation. Ok, so in theory that is fine, except you have to book a blood test at my GP about a month in advance. Fortunately my clinic will do the blood test, it just means more money… worth it though!

So I went home from the appointment, ready to track my cycle and get the blood test asap. And then… hospital again! Yep, another trip to A&E in excruciating pain. This time I got an urgent appointment for the next morning. Scan done and nothing found. I was told I needed to go back to my GP to be referred to another department (not quite sure why my GP has to do it!).

My decision now is that now that I have a house to move to (oh yes, I have a house!) and as much as I want to move forward, my sensible option is to try and find out what is going on before I do anything. I feel at the moment like I take one step forward and two steps back.

Of course this probably all seems pretty trivial considering what is going on in the world right now. But everything is relative. And in my world this is still such a major thing. My brain swings from worrying about Covid-19 to worrying about how old I will be when I have my baby… or if it even happens. I hear other people talking about the issues raised with having children and all the uncertainty around working and how lucky I am because I don’t have that problem. I WANT THAT PROBLEM! I want to be coming home, thinking about whether I need to take my child to work, or if my child’s nursery/school will be open for me because I’m a key worker. I do not see myself as lucky. My heart breaks more every day that my health issues and this world health crisis goes on.

My clinic has emailed to say they will still be going ahead as normal but please don’t come in if you are at risk or showing symptoms. Right now I am technically neither but I have other issues in the way.

There is so much uncertainty for everyone right now. I work in a school and at the moment I am still going in. But for how long, I do not know. No one does. Will I need to go in everyday or will I need to work from home? Will my move go ahead in 2 weeks or will something happen to change that? Because really, should I be staying with my Mum who immunocompromised? How long will this health scare go on for? When will people stop panic buying? Surely you have everything you need by now!

What I do know is that there will be an end to this Covid-19 crisis and life will eventually go back to normal… but what is normal for me now? And will it be normal as a mummy or normal as a wannabemummy?

Green Light.. Maybe!

Wow, what a week! So last week I made the tough decision to postpone my IUI for a while. Living arrangements are needing to be changed and I do not want to start my new life on unsure footing. Of course, having made that decision I get the letter from the clinic saying they would love to help me with my treatment and let’s get going!

Then to cap it all off, this weekend I ended up in hospital! I had an unknown abdominal pain. It was just like years ago when I had Gall Stones, only, I no longer have a gall bladder! Nothing was discovered at the hospital so I am putting it down to stress!

I thought I had found my dream home for me, my kittens and a plus one… only they have let it out. This after my Mum phoned them and said how much I wanted it and could she put the deposit down as I was stuck in hospital. They said no then text today an hour before my rescheduled viewing to say it had gone. Stress levels increasing! So, on an afternoon when I should be relaxing and recovering from my little hospital trip I am ringing around estate agents desperately trying to find somewhere. Out of 20 phone calls I have 3 properties that will allow pets that haven’t already gone. Viewings booked and fingers firmly crossed.

I have decided to go to the clinic on Friday to sign all the consent forms. Let’s just hope one of these houses is the one!

Oh and Slimming World Update: 1 Stone award achieved, total weight loss 1 stone and half a pound!

Birthday party

I have just come back from my brother’s birthday party. I was partly looking forward to it but also dreading it, as I always do when catching up with everyone. Because of our ages pretty much everyone there is settled with kids and I usually come away feeling depressed. I love talking to people about their kids but there is always that emptiness.


Tonight I had a feeling of hope.

Tonight I was able to talk to an expectant mum and not feel overwhelming jealousy.

Tonight, although I couldn’t say it to everyone, I didn’t feel like an outsider! Okay, I’m not married and the man who I will hopefully be having a baby with is not walking into the room with me, but there is now a chance that this time next year I could be the one with the baby bump.

I keep telling myself it might not happen but it’s that feeling again, the one I’m not used to.

Hope.

Tonight it overwhelmed me in a way I wasn’t expecting.

I have had a tough week. I have been an emotional wreck. My mood has been swinging like one of those Newton’s cradles. I have felt quite frankly, like shit. I nearly didn’t go tonight. I had almost talked myself out of it. But both my brothers are so important to me and I couldn’t miss such an important occasion. And I am so glad I went!

Happy birthday big brother, thank you for giving me an amazing evening, just by having a birthday!

Waiting!

I am happy to say I received the report from the counsellor on Saturday! Nice and quick turn around so I was very happy. I was also really happy with her comments. It’s always quite surreal reading someone’s opinion on you but I felt like she had really understood me and my reasons for wanting to do this and do it now. So I wrote her a letter back saying I am happy for her to put this forward to the team. And now the wait.

I feel like the waiting in this is always going to be the hardest thing. First I had to wait to get the blood tests done because I couldn’t have my first appointment without them. Now I have to wait for a group of people to decide whether they want to help me achieve my dream. If they decide to help me I then have to wait for the right point in my cycle to go ahead with the procedure and then… well then we have what is known as the 2 week wait! I suppose it could be worse, it could be longer, but I bet those must be the longest 2 weeks of your life. If you get a negative result and it hasn’t worked you then need to wait to go through it all again. BUT if you have a positive result, you need to wait until around 9 weeks before you can have your first midwife appointment, another 3 weeks for your first scan and when you finally tell everyone your good news. After that it’s another 4 weeks before your next midwife appointment when you might hear the heartbeat!

So, like I said, it’s a whole lot of waiting! But for something worth waiting for! As I said before, I am an impatient person! I can’t help it! If I’m honest, I don’t know where I got it from, maybe it’s being the baby of three siblings! I always wanted to grow up faster to catch up with my brothers! When I got my kittens I found the few weeks I had to wait to bring them home almost intolerable! I know waiting is a good thing but some waits are harder than others! And when you’ve been waiting nearly half your life for something even a few months seems too long!

There is also that weird feeling of not being able to plan. This might sound strange and if I was going down the traditional route I wonder if it would be the same. But not knowing if or when it might happen, do you book a holiday? Do you make plans to go to that concert next year? Do I hand in my teacher training application now?

I did by the way, I made the decision that if I got the place and then became “with child” I will defer for a year. I have to keep making plans or I can pretty much guarantee it won’t happen and I will not move forward in any way!

I will continue to wait, and I will continue to include you in my waiting!

Of course the other wait I have is to lose weight! It is happening, and apparently I am doing better than expected! I have lost 9.5lbs in 2 weeks, I have achieved my half stone award at Slimming World and I need to lose 4.5lbs this week to get my 1 stone award. But I want it gone now! I want to be at a normal BMI! This of course is down to me and I feel writing my weight loss on here will motivate me to keep going!

I am now off to get some sleep, I have 2 post-surgery kittens so fingers crossed for a good night sleep… I need to make the most of them whilst I still can!!!

Shocked

I am going somewhat off topic tonight. But I am still reeling over the news that Caroline Flack has taken her own life. It is so strange when someone in the public eye dies. You have never met them and even though you don’t know them, you feel like you do.

I have always admired Caroline Flack, she was a bright and bubbly personality and it may sound cheesy but she made me smile! But it just shows, you have no idea what is going on behind the smile.

I know this because I have been there. And it still scares me to think I was not far off being in the same position as Caroline. I truly believe the difference for me was I was surrounded by support and I did not have to read or hear negative and slaying comments about me or my personal life.

People have said that if you choose a life where people watch you every day you just have to accept this as part of it. But that is not true. There are those that sit behind their screens and write hideous things about people they know nothing about. And it’s easy because they don’t have to look them in the eye. But words hurt, they can cut through you like a blade.

I had one complaint made about me as a midwife, it was from a couple who had a tough time and their baby had complications. I know I did nothing wrong but they needed a scape goat. I am sympathetic to this. But they said I was uncaring. It was like I had been kicked in the stomach and punched in the face. I can honestly say that no matter what was going on in my head my women and their babies and families ALWAYS came first. The night after I was told about this I went home and cried. Solidly for hours. I didn’t realise it at the time but my mental health had already started to decline and this tipped me over the edge. I would drive around trying to work out in my head how hard I needed to hit a tree to hurt myself but not kill myself. And it was the day I stopped worrying how hard and just wondered which tree would be best I knew I needed help.

I am so relieved to say that I am way out the other side. I am happy. I want to get out of bed in the morning, shower and brush my teeth. I have a purpose and a drive. But I only had one comment. It took one to tip me over the edge and if it just took one for me I cannot imagine what Caroline was going through.

People need to stop using social media as a way to slate people and use it for good. Children get bullied at school but it doesn’t stop when they come home. Social media can be great but it can ruin lives. I don’t know how to police it, I’d be a millionaire if I did. But people need to know their is a consequence to their actions. I would like to think those that trolled Caroline Flack are feeling like shit tonight but the sad truth is they probably don’t think it has anything to do with them. It does.

I hope that Caroline can rest in peace now. I hope her family can find some way to get through this.

Please people, think before you act. You never know what someone is going through and sometimes you might find out too late.